Fuck you too, Osama

I am positive that I saw Osama Bin Laden on the BQE yesterday on my way to Brooklyn. He was driving a Subaru. AND to top it off, they were doing random check points by the exit and no one even STOPPED his car! I almost hit him while trying to merge into the right lane, and he gave me a nasty look! Well, fuck you too, OSAMA! Now, before you come out and say to me "Jess, you prolly just think they all look alike", you are wrong wrong wrong! Im telling you, I wasn’t the only one who turned my head!

Also, a big F you goes out to the entire male species. Are all of you fucked up? Seriously, are all of you completely fucked up? Why is it either you are chasing after a woman who is not interested in you like she holds the key to your everlasting happiness but when you find a woman who is actually into you, you play headgames?? What the fuck? I swear, if I could conjure up enough courage to be a giver with a woman, I would consider being gay! Its just that I would be a really greedy lesbian if I tried it now. Not fair for the other girl.

Since I posted earlier my gratitude list, here is the oppsite end of that- my Fuck You list.

1. George Bush- I hate you. You are the anti christ. Dont EVEN get me
started.
2. The entire Male Species- please see above
3. My dad. You suck. I know you haven’t read my blog yet.
4. Psycho Boy, for giving me issues with accepting help from people. I
hate you you cheap lying bastard.
5. G’s father- another dick head who made me realize just how capable
men are of being cheating shitheads. And to think after you and I
were together 7 years and you tried to fuck my friend, you still think that now, 6 years later, when I’m 100 times hotter than when we were together (and not to mention of legal age) and after not paying a dime of child support, that you have a chance! Thats actually funny.
6. CBITW, for being so cute when you’re being a jerk- even though I
really have made an effort since this relationship is new to not be a
bitch, you my friend, are about to feel the wrath. Here is a bit of
info for you. Im not as sweet and tolerant as you think I am. And
apparently, as I have learned, neither are you! Kinda refreshing, ha?
7. And while there are few things that I love more than a man in
uniform, to the NYPD for blocking off entire streets to do your
morning emergency "drills"- which in reality is a bunch of you
standing around chatting it up in front of citicorp- during rush hour
and blocking a huge chunk of Lex ave.

And that is all for today. God bless those spared from my tyrade.

Im so po I cant even afford the o and the r.

I haven’t been this poor since I was 19, only then, I used to share an apartment with my best friend. I guess its a good thing, you know, that its only temporary. The money that a certain company lent me to get my security for my apartment is being drafted out of three paychecks and holy cow, my paychecks are cut in half! On top of this, I also have to pay rent for next month its like a double whammy. I have to keep myself in check though. I do have a little spoiled brat little girl that lives inside of me that wants to stomp her feet and suck her teeth at how miserable this all is. But I have to remind myself that this was indeed a blessing, and I need to get with some appreciation for the big man (or woman) upstairs for looking out.

So the CBITW has been great, lots of dinners and yesterday he gave me a metro card (have I not reached the peak of pathetic ness??). But he has really been wonderful and without any judgment or smarmy ness. Im really sensitive to this stuff. Being really broke and not being able to figure out what Im going to do freaks me out. It just puts me in a place where I was when I was 19 years old, taking my first legal job, and taking care of a baby by myself and making 18,000 a year, and paying 100.00 a week in daycare. I dont know how I did it. Lots of Ramen noodles!! But it embarrasses me when I cant pull my end of a meal or I have to ask for train fare. I know its only temporary, but just like my mom, and probably her mom, we all have that one irrational fear. My mothers is being a bag lady in New York (Im not exaggerating- Im truly really serious) and mine is being viewed as a single mother charity case, which, oh god- I am right now! So, to keep myself from having a major panic attack and flipping out, I whipped out my good old pen and paper and wrote my gratuity list. So here it goes.

To God and the powers that be, and the creator and orchestrate of my Karma- these are the things I am grateful for:

1. Gabbys Health
2. the health of my friends and family
3. that I actually CAN have half of my check deducted and even if its by the very skin of my teeth, get by
4. my apartment away from psycho boy
5. my job
6. my family (who are just as batshit as I am)
7. my friends, because through the whole breakup and starting over, my friends have totally been my life support
8. For NY. The only thing stable in my life these days
9. My kitty Valentine. She loves me unconditionally- even when Im curled up in fetal position sobbing.
10. RJ- for teaching me how to make cheap meals
11. For the fact that I stayed strong and didnt follow my instinct to cut my hair like a boy like I did after my last traumatic breakup- it was cute but very GI Jane and took 5 years to grow out.
12. Gs brilliance. You know, my 7 year old can compare the works of Georgia Okeefe and Savatore Dali? THEN, she can turn and tell you the origins of exotic plants. Genious?? Yes she is. Not to mention she listens to Dusty Springfield, Gladys Knight, Dr. John and Wilson Picket . What 7 year old do you know has that much soul?? Hmmm?? Didnt think so!

Also, on a lighter note, I am heading out to New Orleans for Jazz Fest and CBITW and my friend M, and my friend O, and Ms aunt are coming. Guess who is going to be there?? YES! Michael Franti (Spearhead)! And guess who ISNT going to be there? G! My first vacay with no kids! Look out New Orleans!

Ill be one happy relaxing camper- broke, but happy.

Sorry, Yall, but I had to post My Political Rant

.

Ok as much as I try to steer away from insulting people with my political views on this thing, fuck it, its my fuckin blog, and I can post whatever I want.

Here is the latest example of our Republican Leaders exercising their psychotic extreme right-wing Christian views on the rest of this country, which unfortunately we learned after election time, is a country chock full of ignorant ass holes.

Here is the latest editorial from the New York Times, I couldnt have said it better myself so Im quoting it.

"Bill Frist's Religious War

Published: April 16, 2005


Right-wing Christian groups and the Republican politicians they bankroll have done much since the last election to impose their particular religious views on all Americans. But nothing comes close to the shameful declaration of religious war by Bill Frist, the Senate majority leader, over the selection of judges for federal courts.

Senator Frist is to appear on a telecast sponsored by the Family Research Council, which styles itself a religious organization but is really just another Washington lobbying concern. The message is that the Democrats who oppose a tiny handful of President Bush's judicial nominations are conducting an assault "against people of faith." By that, Senator Frist and his allies do not mean people of all faiths, only those of their faith.

It is one thing when private groups foment this kind of intolerance. It is another thing entirely when it's done by the highest-ranking member of the United States Senate, who swore on the Bible to uphold a Constitution that forbids the imposition of religious views on Americans. Unfortunately, Senator Frist and his allies are willing to break down the rules to push through their agenda - in this case, by creating what the senator knows is a false connection between religion and the debate about judges.

Senator Frist and his backers want to take away the sole tool Democrats have for resisting the appointment of unqualified judges: the filibuster. This is not about a majority or even a significant number of Bush nominees; it's about a handful with fringe views or shaky qualifications. But Senator Frist is determined to get judges on the federal bench who are loyal to the Republican fringe and, he hopes, would accept a theocratic test on decisions.

Senator Frist has an even bigger game in mind than the current nominees: the next appointments to the Supreme Court, which the Republican conservatives view as their best chance to outlaw abortion and impose their moral code on the country.

We fully understand that a powerful branch of the Republican Party believes that the last election was won on "moral values." Even if that were true, that's a far cry from voting for one religion to dominate the entire country. President Bush owes it to Americans to stand up and say so."

Psycho boy, this is what you have supported for years. I swear to christ that I will never ever date another Repub again, ever!! Are you not aware of the parallels of the republican party in America today and the doings of Aldolf Hitler?

WTF???? I mean really, WHAT THE FUCK? This just makes me want to move to Canada.

Bloody Gums on the N train

When I used to live with my two gay room mates, we always had this joke about the kind of guys that would hit on my room mate A. Always something SERIOUSLY wrong. One guy had a huge scar across is nose, one guy had HORRIBLE bad breath, one guy smelled like hot garbage. Well, maybe Antonio has been thinking of me a lot, and tranferring his karma to me, but this morning the grossest of gross actually approached me on the N train, and to make it worse, this is the second time I have witnessed such... such.. I cant even think of word for it.

Im sitting by the window on the N train, oh, say, 8:00 this morning. He enters the train and at first seems really normal. Hes wearing black dress pants, button down blue shirt, tie. Hair is ok. Smells good. Sits two seats down from me. Well he starts staring at me, like trying to get me to look up at him. But I see him out of my peripheral vision and refuse- Im busy doing important things like listening to Michael Franti and imagining he is next to me, talking to me about the "CIA running like that jones from Indiana, but they still wont talk about that Jones in Guyana" (this is what happens when Im not caffeinated and Im hearing music- Im on another planet). I look over in that “you interrupted my zone out time” sort of way, and he smiles. Only, I notice something really fucking nasty! His gums are bleeding!!! Not just a little, but a lot. I didnt even look at the rest of his face. All I saw were his bloody teeth! Bloody gums smiling back at me!! The absolute HORROR! I quickly shifted my ENTIRE body to face the window. I wanted no part of his air space. I felt violated and betrayed.

The first time I witnessed a bloody gums incident was when this guy at the Harvy Milk School was trying to hit on my old room mate A. He was trying to chat me up in order to get me to hook it up (not) and every time he smiled, you would see his disgusting bleeding gums. I almost launched my snapple everytime he would try to chat me up.

Other than the bleeding gums incident, life in Queens is great. I love my new hood. My neighbors are all really nice, and the apartment, while it may be empty, is mine and I love it. Even though I can not even afford to pay attention because half of my check is being deducted to pay back the security deposit that I was allowed to borrow, I am grateful that I had that option and I know that this brokeness is only temporary. My cost of living is so much less here, and for the first time in YEARS, when I wake up in the morning and wave hello to my neighbors, I feel like I am home. G loves her school and her teacher and all of the staff so far have been so nice. I am so blessed that all of this fell into place.

Last weekend the CBITW came over to visit and to take me to Target to get basic things like dishes, kitty food (how embarressing, ha??). He took Gabby and I to PS1, and I swear, that was so what I needed. I needed to be around creativity, I needed to be in a place where everything isnt always logical. He always manages to take me to these places when I really need to be there. He doesnt even know he does it. He doesnt even know, how even a cupcake at Billys was what I needed at that time in my life! Shit, I didnt even know it.

So, Im feeling like a lucky lucky girl these days, despite all of the bullshit.

Payback from the Gods

Today I realized why animals eat their young.

It was 6:00 in the morning and I hear the pitter patter of little feet running into my bedroom across the hardwood floors and the jolt of the bed as G climbs in under my covers. I turn to her and hug her. Her cold feet are on my legs, but I don’t care. She pushes away and proceeds to toss around a bit. She then decides it would be a good idea to get out of my bed, run to the hamster cage and put the hamster on my arm (therefore scaring the living shit out of me). I’m half asleep but I feel this furry creature on my arm and jumped so high and fast, I swear it was like I was possessed. That was the end of my sleep.

SO, its the last day of school in Jersey for G- I have to start moving tomorrow and enroll her tomorrow. She has to be with me, so today is going to be her official last day of school. The school has made it clear that she must return her library book before they release her records. So, me being neurotic mom, follows her around all morning saying “G, you have your book, you have it?” “Yes mom, yes” she replies. About 10 minutes before we go I say “G, you have your book” and get this (and keep in mind she’s only 7!) “UGHHHHH!!! Stop reminding me! You always do that! You ask me over and over and over!! GOSH!!!!!” so after I gave her the “Who do you think you are talking to?” speech, we load up into the car and head to the school. As Im driving Im realizing that yes, you know, I always do that. It must be annoying to have me running behind you saying over and over “do you have this? do you have that?”. You know, I think I should make a conscious effort to show G that I do trust her. That I know she is capable of listening to me. I really should stop being such a nag. We are pulling up in front of the school and I am panning for a parking spot. Gabby is getting her book bag and her coat and fixing her hair. “Mom?” she says “can we go back home?” “why, sweetie?” I ask, thinking maybe she is dreading the last day of school. “I forgot my book” . I stopped the car right there in the middle of the road and turned to her and said “You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Your kidding right? Your kidding, Ms. YOU ALWAYS REMIND ME”. She starts crying “Im stupid” she says. “Oh hush!" I snarl and I pull up in the spot. So now, tomorrow among everything else, we have to go to her school to return the book so we can get her release papers and bring them to the new school in Queens!!

God, you are such a genius. A poet. A true artist and a master of irony. You are so creative in how you torture me.

So Random

So I am packing up my entire life to move to Queens. Its been a strange journey, this past year. And every little thing I still have (which isn’t much after the breakup) is a reminder. I am fully aware that life is a big huge lesson. And sometimes I look up at the sky and think of just how vivid God’s sense of humor is. How everything comes full circle- how in the end little tales become clues and foresight then connect like in a cheesy Woody Allen movie.

I wish I still smoked pot.I would roll up a fat spliff and giggle about everything going on right now. But I know that pot usually gets me paranoid and causes me to eat things like Peanut Butter Captain Crunch Cereal(and gain 30 more lbs)chased with Nesquick.

Woke up at 3:00 this morning and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I stayed up just evaluating my life, and studying everything going on this past year. Even in my dark bedroom, the light was shining through my window onto the wood floors and it was just this silent peaceful dark room. Not the same room that I once walked into with who was supposed to be my husband and grabbed him and kissed him in, back when the sun was shining in through that same window. A few months later we would be sitting on the foot of that very same bed breaking up. Truths have been told, and trust has been snatched, we have moved on from the breakup (mostly) and we are both seeing people. Sometimes I cant let myself really drift into deep thought because I am a person who does without thinking sometimes- and when I do sit and think about it too much, I scare myself.

I just want my mommy.

Beginnings Middles and Ends

Gs father has an aunt who lives in Belleville, a town I used to live in, right next to my best friend’s apartment in Newark. It was my best friends childs b day and the kids were all having a sleepover. G and I were getting ready when she said “I wish I had my dad here”. And it broke me down. I had tried to call A’s aunt but the number was disconnected. She was always like my second aunt. Even after A and I split up, we remained so close. She is a strong woman with strong values and I so respect that. I totally look up to her. So Saturday after I dropped Gabby off, I popped up at As Aunts house (her name is Y). The whole time thinking Im either really ballsy or really crazy. Probably both. When I moved to New Orleans I lost touch with everyone, including her and Gs father. It has been now over 2 years since they last saw her. I rang the bell and her husband answered. He didn’t even recognize me! I couldnt believe it. Then her daughter came running down the steps (nearly a foot taller than I remember) and she came running down. She ran to me and hugged me. To make a long story short, we sat there for 2 hours talking. I told her I would bring G by to see them the next day. I knew that her dad would now have my phone number, and he did. I knew now there would be contact. I left feeling as though I did the right thing. I felt like I had reconnected with a member of MY family, and in a way she has been. She has really seen me through some rough times. I was feeling so content. I called TCBITW and told him that G was sleeping out and asked him if he wanted to come out and play. He never responded, he was out with friends. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night. Ouch. We were supposed to meet up the next day to pick up my keys to my apartment. I knew he wouldnt flake so I figured I would see what was up the next day.

The next day, I meet him. He slept over at his friends house the night before because he had been drinking, so he was slightly hung over, but still made it to Jersey to drive me into Queens. I was still feeling very happy about G and having contact with her other side of her family again, so I wasnt letting it drag me down too much.

We went to eat at Fatty’s and from there went to Prospect Park my favorite park in the world) and were laying on a blanket on the grass. It was truly a perfect moment for me. Just peaceful and in the grass (I’m sort of a hippie like that). There we were- me and the CBITW. IM in total euphoria shen he says “I have a confession”. “oh Christ” I thought. I was sure that maybe he decided not to do this anymore. To be honest, the thought had crossed my mind this past week when I realized he didn’t want to see me. When there were opportunities for him to see me, and he didn’t take them. Talk about being rejected. So I sort of backed off and waited for him to just tell me what was going on. “I freaked out last week” he said. And for some reason, I felt sort of felt emotional. I didn’t WANT to go through all of this, I didnt ASK for psycho boy to be psycho. This thing wasn’t exactly my idea of a swinging good time, either! CBITW has been working a lot, and all of this happened so I didnt know if he lost interest. I mean it went from flowers and wanting to just ride with me home, to not wanting to see me at all, and even if it wasnt about me, how am I supposed to NOT feel rejected? So all week here I was feeling like I did something wrong. My brain was having a hissy fit. But as I have learned from years of having a big mouth, I just kept cool, and decided to give myself 24 hours to process this. I told him that I figured he had freaked out and asked him if he was ok now. He said he was, but who knows. So we ended back at his place where I was feeling very “I don’t want to be around anyone right now” and confused and wondering how to feel or what my next step should be. I looked at him laying there and had to hug him. I had missed him. Its hard when you are really into someone and you dont know if they feel the same. He offered to drive me to Jersey because I’m chicken shit and don’t drive through Manhattan. I was feeling kinda pissy and sort of wounded so I just drove myself home. Through Canal Street, through the tunnel. I needed to do that. I needed to just drive and be alone. He stayed on the phone with me as I drove through Manhattan, but I just needed to think about things. G was about to see her aunt on her dads side, and eventually would be speaking to her dad after 3 years.

G and I pull up at her aunts house and she is so excited. She put her own shoes on and got herself together when I told her where we were going. We rang the bell and she looked up and it was just amazing to her expression. Like pieces of her own puzzle were coming together for her. We stayed and talked she spoke with her grandparents on the phone. I got her fathers number and his grandmother said she would give him mine. It was late, around 9:00 and G and I had to go because she has school tomorrow. She hugged everyone goodbye, promised to keep in touch, and we loaded into the car, when my cell phone rang. It was her father.

“My first instinct is to curse you out, for leaving and not telling me where you were going” he says. Hes always been very blunt even if it made him look like a dickhead. Gotta respect that. “Look- I wouldnt reccomend it, youll be right back to square one”, I say. He laughs and we begin to catch up as Im driving on Route 1&9. Please remember this is a man that I have known since I was 14 years old. He knew me when I was a punk snot nosed teenager living in Brooklyn being wild. He has since had twin boys (surprise! (not)), this guy is like ODB with all these damn kids, but G is the only girl) he is with the mother,which is great. I told him how happy I was for him, and told him he could speak to G tomorrow, when I have a chance to talk to her first. Im happy for G because I know what it is to not have my dad and if she hates him, then thats her own decision, thats the verdict she will make. Thats not my job to make that decision for her. But her other side of her family totally embraces her, and I think for her development that is important. So I feel sort of complete. Like everything all in all, will be ok. Despite all of the shit and all of the ups and downs. My life has always been that way, short stories with unpredictable chapters, humble beginnings, crazy middles and happy endings- and for that, I am very grateful.

sweating and being sweated

RIP Mr. Sam (Gs Bunny) 12/24/04-4/02/05- you will be missed

There are so many important things that I should write about, but Im so tired of dealing with them in detail, that Im only going to give you a briefing and move on to lighter topics..

Drama Brief: came home Monday to psycho boy in my apartment; cutest boy in the world came from Jersey (how fucking embarrassing), went to police station. Next day got apology from psycho boy. Hes coming Sat. to get all of his furniture. So I will be totally poor and furnitureless in my new apartment, but fuckit, Im free, baby!

Now, on with life. There is an older man who works where I work, whom I have spoken with on occasion at a few social gatherings. The man has a phd in some weird biotech shit (I have no clue, and I know that last statement sounded really ignant, but oh well its my blog!!) Hes about my moms age, and wont stop asking me out! Hello! Clue to men, if a girl says no twice, give the FUCK UP. Shes not interested. I have to give it to him for aiming high, though. It takes balls for a 56 year old man to conjure up the courage to ask a 28 year old out- over and over. lol. If my mom was single I would totally hook them up. Maybe I should tell him that (insert evil laugh here).

Today it is glorious outside, but true to New York weather form, it is a tease. It will get cold again at least a few times, before we see significant and steady rise in temps. Cant wait!! Since I lost 15lbs I can fit into the clothes I was too fat for last year that I stashed away in a suitcase in my closet!! OH THE JOYS of starvation and deprivation!!

I got to thinking this afternoon about the CBITW (Cutest Boy in the World)- you know, he has not even asked to read my blog. WTF? How could he NOT be interested? Especially after our blog incident with his blog?!? You know, this me chasing a boy shit is starting to not be cool. I need more attention than this. I feel like he is backing away. Maybe hes freaked out. I would be too. But that doesnt make it any easier. Maybe its a bad week, a bad day, or just bad all together. I feel kind of shut out, and it sucks.

Space Invadors

Psycho boys gravitate to me. I give off "come hither, psycho boy" vibes and they come. I usually don’t really know they are truly crazy until its too late, and they are attached. D has become psycho boy, and has joined the ranks of the car flower guy and the engagement ring receipt with Chinese food take out guy. Friday night The Cutest Boy in the World stayed over at my place. I had a babysitter for the night so I started a The Cutest Boy in the World Appreciation night the night before which consisted of dinner at Jacquimois (which he liked, but didn’t seem too crazy about) and my place. So things go ok, and we fall asleep to be waken up by the door bell and the sound of locks turning at 8:30 am. Its D of course and my landlord is standing in the rain with him trying to let him in. I jump from the bed to see him there dripping wet. That ass hole. He fucking knew I was home. So I open the door and tell him that he cant come in and that The Cutest Boy in the World is here. He was so upset. He must have wanted to kill me because he was breathing heavy and he saw The Cutest Boy in the World at the top of the stairs. He told me he cant believe I have a man in our old apartment, and how he is not helping me with anything, blah blah blah. He eventually leaves and there I am facing The Cutest Boy in the World and just ready to cry. The Cutest Boy in the World didnt have much to say, I get the feeling hes tired of Ds drama, and I cant blame him. So I drop The Cutest Boy in the World off at the Ferry after a movie, and go to get Gabby only to come home and have her pet bunny, Mr. Sam, be dead. It was horrible. She wailed until she couldn’t breathe and dropped to her knees in absolute heart shattering grief. All I could do was hold her and console her. She finally fell asleep in my arms and I carried her to my bed. By then, my migraine had started, and I had to dispose of the body. With The Cutest Boy in the World on the phone to coach me, I eventually got rid of the bunny corpse without puking. But then the migraine hit me. I had to hang up and just lay in the dark. It was then, that I had a good two hours of throwing up. The next day we were to see an apartment in a certain place that I have wanted to live for some time now. To make a long story short, the apartment was great, and the landlord wants to rent it to me. I just want to be free. I want to be free from psycho boy and just get on with my life.
Psycho boy informed me that he is taking all of the furniture, after I left everything behind in New Orleans (hope your diggin the 32 inch tv, Michael!!) and its killing me. I know its all stuff. Its all material. But its killing me that I am in a position where Gabby and I have to start over again. Maybe it will be fun. Maybe it will be like my whole life being on extreme makeover.

Psycho boy has also informed me that he is moving to Brooklyn, in the same neighborhood as the Cutest Boy in the World. From what I gather only a few blocks away. Coincidentally, he obtained this apartment two weeks after he got all of the information about the cutest boy in the world after he reverse directoried his phone number. He is only doing this to spite me. And I cant wait. Honestly, this neighborhood will chew him up and spit him out. This is a man who couldn’t stand my gay friends, a man who had something to say about every race, a man who is a Bush supporter. He has never lived anywhere but in his parent plush condo, then in apartments that his parents got him in wealthy areas of Massachusetts and PA. Have fun getting your ass kicked, in BK, complements of my hometown, fucker!!!