The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Today Is Going To Be A GREAT Day

Yesterday Bianca called me and said she heard this motivational speaker say that if you say first thing in the morning "Today is going to be a great day" you will have a great day. So she said she tried this and it has helped her (she has two kids). I have heard versions of this such as "tell yourself you are beautiful and you feel beautiful"- So I told her I would try-

So this is my morning so far.

Alarm goes off at 6:30 and as my eyes are opening I notice G standing at the foot of my bed, which initially scared the shit out of me- I cant even get my eyes open before I hear "mom, the tv isnt working- call the cable company-and I want banana pancakes". So after telling her to NOT feed me bad news first thing in the morning as I am now practicing the theory that if you say "today is going to be a great day" to yourself in the morning, you will have a great day. I begin to say outloud "Today is going to be a great day" to myself on my way to the bathroom . I go to brush my teeth, only now that G doesn't have the TV to zone out on, she is following me. So, when I go to brush my teeth, she has to brush her teeth. So I give myself a squirt of toothpaste, then give her a squirt and we start brushing our teeth- only, when I go to spit, she has to spit at the exact same time- I lean down, she leans over and WHAM! We hit heads. After fussing about that and brushing some more I go to spit and there is a little bit of blood (no I dont have gum disease.. I must have missed something flossing!) of course G notices and will no doubt tell someone (probably a random neighbor or something) that I don't want to know- and starts asking me "what is that? Why is there some blood there? You need to go to the dentist!". So after G pointing out that bleeding gums is the sign of gum disease which means my teeth will no doubt fall out, I go to the kitchen (G RIGHT BEHIND ME) and get the coffee started, and to get G dressed- I put her socks next to her and tell her to get her socks and shoes on so when I get out of the shower, all I have to do is do her hair (which, btw, takes longer than it even takes to do mine). WELL, after my 20 minute shower, I get out, and she is JUST putting on the second sock. "What happened?!? It takes you 20 minutes to put a sock on?!?" I say.. "ugh, this sock is inside out", she responds. "Today is going ot be a great day" I say to myself- but OMG, I wanted to kill my child. But wait- it gets better.

So Im rushing around the house so that G will have time to eat something hot (since she doesn't like school breakfast)- G still right behind me- literally if I stopped short, she would have been up my ass. Im getting my lunch together, and ravaging through the cabinets trying to figure out what to make since I don't have time for pancakes- "G you want toast?" answer? "no" "G you want farina?" answer? "no" "G you want oatmeal? Im not making PANCAKES!" answer? "no" "G god dammit- Im making you eggs- eat them or dont! I dont care!" answer? "nooooooo! oh, mom, I accidentally spilled your coffee" . Mind you, Im not even dressed completely so Im cleaning cofee with my robe wide open, in bra and underpants and socks ("today is going to be a great day" say it with me now) and my spoiled ass child is acting like Im depriving her by making eggs and toast and now there is a coffee spill somewhere. You know, my mother NEVER made me breakfast on a school morning. But me, I try to be considerate and make her a hot breakfast on a cold morning and this is the thanks I get?!? Being a mom is such a thankless job. So she is at the table eating her eggs and toast and goes "Mom, you make me feel like Im a slow snail!" she says. "Well, G , you are. Deal with it or move your behind. It doesn't take 20 minutes to put your socks on the morning" I respond. "Mom, the socks you gave me were inside out!" "Well, G, it takes 20 minutes to turn your socks to the right side?!? Seriously!" So THEN you know what she says to me?!? She says "No, SERIOUSLY, mom, next time you give me socks make sure they are right side in so I wont be so slow!"
The NERVE. Today is going to be a great day.

The moral of this story? Dont have kids.

Have a great day.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

THIS is what I consumed today

The scale must have been trying to make me feel better this morning when it gave me a flashing 129lbs (with PJs on) Now, I am admitting to having a very terrible bout of upset tummy the day before, but still. After a few days of dumping, being dumped on, and going from the top of the world then pretty much jumping down and crashing into what is my life, 129lbs was like a big warm fuzzy hug.

It all stared with Friendster. His profile after 8 months of dating (yes off and on) still said single. And I tried to be cute and funny about it at first, but every time I would get an email from O, I would go to check my friendster and my "friends" would be flashing in the right hand corner. And there he would be. Single, seeking activity partners. It wasn't long before the "hun, why does Ts profile say single? Did yall break up?" questions start to really bug me. So I asked him to change it. He said he would. But months passed and he didn't. Different profiles were being added to his large list of female friends. But, hey, Im not insecure with that- but one day he commented about changing his favorite movie list on his profile. He did, yet, forgot to add that here I WAS. Remember me? The fucking girl that has been sleeping in your bed at least once a week for 8 months! So it turned into a battle of sorts. And as things do, avalanges always start from one little snowflake. And it all came tumbleing down. He felt insecure about us, so much so that he checked my cell phone text messages the day before. Which, oddly enough that day, I was feeling particularly great about us, so I asked him how he felt about us. The answer "I like it" seemed a bit cold, but whatever. Then before I left I turned to him and said "you know how I feel about us? I think you are trying very hard, and I feel very happy" before I kissed his forehead and left. Ugh what a joke that was. Have you ever said something that just made you cringe just remembering it? Well, that was my moment. Christ I could crawl under a rock now.

SO there it is, folks who have been wondering about my dating life. About my love life. Ive decided that lesbianism may not be a bad option. If I can get past the whole vagina thing, It could be good. And breakups are always shitty, no matter what. So, this is no exception. CBITW may be the cutest boy in the world, but he isnt my cutest boy in the world. For now, my latest love affair is Entemans chocolate donuts. And tonight, I made a mean ass meatloaf and mashed potato that would help soothe any broken heart-including mine.

By the way, I hate house music. Even more now than ever.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Dont Let the Turkeys Get You Down

Companies YOU should be boycotting:

McDonalds- ok.. anyone see Supersize me? Not to mention the McDonalds by Ditmars train station didnt clean their vents and burned down FOUR local buisnesses next to it.

Starbucks- they always open up one of their pretentious over priced shit coffee places next to a little local cafe. And dont say "oh but they have good coffee" no they dont- their coffee sucks. If you think Starbucks coffee is good, you need to explore the world of great coffee.

* This is a great site to see if the companies YOU are supporting are supporting the Republican Party. You can either search by company, or go through the listing. Be aware that most companies donate to a party. Some donate to both.
I know there are more, but these are the people on my shit list. Now dont start sending me the whole Made in China because of Tibet speech, ok? I tried to boycott things made in China for about a year, but then I had a child and realized as a single mom, its sorta expensive to not buy shit made in China. But whenever, I have the choice, I certainly try.

Now on to more interesting blogging- the Watergate part Deux scandal getting ready to explode.

This has been such an amazing month for the Repubs. Bush must want to jump in a time travel machine go back to last Nov, and drop out of the presidential election, because shit is hitting the fan for him and his crew. Only now, the Bush camp has a new enemy- the Republican Party. Between the response to Katrina, the DeLay things, and Karl Rove and Cheneys cheif of staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby (among many others.. for the full list see ( being linked to the Rove Scandal, Meirs being nominated as Supreme Court Justice, even after we all learned the hard lesson after the whole Michael Brown fuckup that we actually DO need people in office that have more experience than worshiping Bushie, and now this video unfolding of the whole "live" "town hall" meeting being rehersed, my goodness- it sucks to be republican these days. I have to laugh. If this doesnt hit close enough to home for you folks, lets now discuss the terror "threats" that came to NYC last week. Before I begin, let me just start off by saying that this "threat" conveniently came the day Bush was due to give his "war on terror" speech, while his approval ratings have plumetted to 40% (even among his fellow Republicans). But now just for shits and kicks, I would like to address the fact that The Daily News reports that the "wealthy" New Yorkers received warning of the treats on October 3 days before even the Mayor was briefed on the "threat". Now, doesnt that make you feel warm and cozy?

Entergy= Satan

Here is an update for all of you regarding the aftermath of Katrina in New Orleans. Entergy, the local energy supplier is charging people electric charges for the month of September, and then telling people that in order to have their gas put on, that lines need to be inspected- fair enough- only, Entergy wants people to pay 65.00 for a plumber to inspect then they want to charge 200.00 to turn the gas on.

Insurance Claims Adjusters In New Orleans

The other enemy was the insurance claims adjuster she had to contact regarding her house in Mississippi. It seems the companies are hiring temps because of the insane amount of people trying to get coverage for their homes. So, the conversation goes like this (this is taken from an email from my mom to me)

Adjuster: Centeral Claims

Me: This is Mary Moses. I incurred damage to my home in New Orleans as a result of hurricane...

Adjuster: We probably don't have your file here yet.

Me: Can I just finish here? I already have a claim number and...

Adjuster: I'm not interested in your claim number.

Me: Well, someone called the cell phone to say they would be out to see the house but they haven't...

Adjuster (talking over me once again): Where is your house?

Me: 2468-2470 Burgundy Street, New...

Adjuster: (again, not letting me finish) What's the zip code?

Me: 70117

Adjuster: And your name?

Me: Mary Moses

Adjuster: Is your house in Marrero?

Me: No. If you had let me finish before; it's in New Orleans.

Adjuster: Then there is another Mary Moses in Marrero

Me: No doubt.

Adjuster: Look, lady, we don't have your claim here in this office and there are 10,000 people who have been displaced by these hurricanes and ...

Me: (Now I'm interrupting HER!!!) Yes, I'm aware of that since I live in New Orleans, but I'm residing in New York!!!! May I please have your name?

Adjuster: No you may not.

Me: I may not have your name?

Adjsuter: No. I'm not giving you my name.

Me: Look, I know you have a stressful job there dealing with irate, displaced, refugees day after day, but you really do need to be a little nicer. If you hate your job and all, maybe you should find another. Or take a little break or something.

Adjuster: As I said, there are lots of people wondering about the status of their homes and insurance...

Me: Well, we have significant roof damage and there is only a tarp up there right now. We don't want to incurr further damage and...

Adjuster: I don't need to know all that.

Me: Look, may I please have your name.

Adjuster: No. If I give you my name you'll lie about me to everyone.

Me: Wait. So now I'm a liar?

Adjuster: I just know you will lie about me.

Me: Okay, look. Since you won't give me your name and we are getting nowhere here. How about you just take a little break, have a drink or a cigarette or something and then come back and answer your phones so that you aren't so damn NASTY to the next person. Where are you located anyway?

Adjuster: (after a long pause) In Baton Rouge

Me: Well how lucky for you. Have a great day. Good bye.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Good Shit v. Tough Shit

While I find it easiest to sit here and go on and on about DeLay (god, its so easy so scrumptious, so tempting!) there is a cornucopia (yes I said cornucopia) of good shit going on.

Last week I realized the impact of my loud mouth Brooklyn Pacific High Schoolness has had on my mother. Now, keep in mind my mom is 5'5 and so cute with glasses and a southern accent. But as is with most southern women, dont piss her off. We were walking down ditmars, to pick up G from school when wobbling towards us is a young Hispanic man well, maybe not hispanic, I dont know, lets be PC here. Lets just say LATIN AMERICAN (dude he was totally Puertorican, but whatever..), oh, say, 18, with his ipod on. "hey" he says to my mom. "Hey" she says back. He brushes against her bag while trying to pass. As we are gossiping about how hot Kenny Claibourne is, we hear "fuck you bitch!". So the dialogue continues like this.

Fat Latin American kid: Fuck you, bitch!
Me after whizzing around in .05 seconds flat: no, fuck you you fat fuck!
Fat Latin American Kid: No fuck you, bitch!
Mom (now get this, this is the funny part): YOUR MOTHERS A BITCH!
Fat Latin American Kid: Slut!
Mom (while turning to me): Did he call me a slut? Im flattered!! I haven't been called a slut in YEARS!
Me: Oh fuck off ass hole you wish!
Fat Latin American Kid: Who the fuck are you talking to?!?
Me and Mom (in chorus like unison and me with my arms up): Were talking to YOU! (me followed it up with fat fuck!)
Fat Latin American Kid: Slut!
Mom: (Laughing)good bye!!!!!

So we walk off. I hit the corner and lose it laughing. Did I get this right? Did my mom use the ultimate diss of all New York disses and say YOUR MOTHER?!? Now THAT, my friends is pure comedy at its finest and totally improved. NICE!

On the apartment front, remember when my apartment had no furniture? Well, friends and readers, my apartment now is DONE and it looks so fab. Psycho boy called me last week to inform me he purchased the car I wanted and in the color (must suck to try to emulate moi, ha?) and made sure to emphasize that I no longer have a car (1 psycho boy, 0 me..) but then again, I live in ASTORIA, and am lovin my neighborhood and have lost 30lbs, so HA! (1 psycho boy, 2 me). SOO in the midst of this, I was searching for a credenza. Wanted something very Eames era ish and was waiting and waiting to find the right one. After sifting through Craigslist, I see it. The perfect Credenza/buffet/sideboard table! OMG, I was shaking with pure orgasmic sheer joy that one can only find when you actually FIND the thing you have been fixated on for so long. So there it was for 100 bucks noless, and the woman, as it turns out lived 4 blocks down from me in Astoria. SCORE SCORE SCORE! Then, as if this wasnt fab enough, the woman was moving to London, and she is an attorney who works closely with the firm I work for. She was literally giving away all of her shit. So, to make a long story short, I ended up with 4 bookshelves, that just so happen didnt match her living room, but TOTALLY match mine, a hutch that was hand stained and then the inside was painted aqua, and a 1950s art deco white dresser with HUGE mirror (think Marilyn Monroe, not housing project) and two side end table that each have ginormous drawers on the side. So, at first I wasnt going to take the dressers, because, well, folks, I admit. Im bad with furniture choices. But mom convinced me to take it. So I go the bedroom stuff, the hutch, the book cases, all of her plants, and AND AND a wicked fling cabinet and a new computer monitor. Does god love me? Oh yes he does!!! Now the dilemma was to find a man with a van that wasn't going to A. not rip my very vulnerable looking white ass off off (looks can be deceiving), and B. not charge like 300.00. Well out of luck, I run across these guys on CL who were two men with a van, 60.00 per hour, and they were great. ANYONE needed recommendations, contact me. They called to confirm the night before AND were there the next day on time and moved all of my stuff (and those dressers were NO JOKE- I cant even move them away from the wall, don't ask how they got them up the steps). So, now everything is all placed in my new art deco/eames era styled apartment and its mucho fabuloso. Life is good for Jessica! All you haters stop PHDing me.

Oh I want to give a shout out to The Rock Health and Fitness who waived the registration fee for my mom so she could join, so sweet of yall. THEN called me to ask me how I was "enjoying my membership"- while I was on the toilet (I had to answer number came up private and it could have been urgent so stop eeeewing me-assholes). So as, I was well, cleaning up, I had to explain that, ugh...I haven't gone yet, but plan on it this weekend (FLUSSHHHHHHH). They even waived my registration fee! My goal? To be a cut up hot mama by next summer. Yes, my friends, you all will see me next summer and go "shit is that- Damn! It is! Thats JESSICA! WOW she is one hot MAMA!" just wait all you non-believers youll see. Just keep in mind that I was a size 12 last year and am now a size 6. Hate me now- go ahead.

More later, have to update the stupid assigning chart that tortures my life every week.

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