The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own

Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Ex Files

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. After today, I will no longer be a mousy redish brown headed girl. Nope. No more of that for me. Today marks the first day of my blonde highlightedness! This could be earth shattering, this could be monumental to my life!! I made the appointment yesterday after over a year of being a "hair virgin" meaning I have not colored my hair at all. I’ve chosen the woman who had done all of my hair cuts to devirginize me. In theory, I would LOVE to stay natural, but winter and my natural hair color are just not friends. So Im giving in. Just half of a head of highlights and maybe a cut if Im feeling sassy. I know I should not do these things when its within a two week span of time before my period (and yes, its due next week) but I have to do something. Im a fucking hormonal mess.

Im seeing a boy. A nice boy, ok a great boy, about my age, really adorable, infact, his nickname is "The Cutest Boy in the World". Totally different than anyone I have ever dated. It’s a nice sort of change. Hes very no pressure- very "let it flow", which is what I need. AND hes not a Bush supporter (that is the first question asked these days, ya know??). Hes deep and thoughtful, and we just connect. Its strange. Maybe I should be concerned, who can connect with my neurotic ass?? But anyway, Im loving it. We met through a hookup between my friend and her husband who are so fucking adorable they should seriously have their own reality show. So this boy, the Cutest Boy in the World, has turned me out. SO unexpectedly. Kind of scary. Close friends are shocked, because I am always the one who is very "Hes ok, but I dont like this or that", I mean I dumped a guy once because his head smelled after he took off his baseball cap. Im also one for not wanting clingon space invaders in my life (and usually I get them), so for the past few months, especially after D, I have just been afraid to date anymore. But the Cutest Boy in the World, is sweet, attentive, not clingy, and lives in Brooklyn. In my old neighborhood. A boy after my own heart. Not only that but he shares in my hip hop knowledge and we actually have great discussions regarding hip hop. Its amazing. So anyhow, Im fucking hooked, like a drug or something. Really it probably is NOT healthy, and I do have to remind myself to chill out sometimes because I dont want the coin flipped and me be that annoying needy co dependant person I have dated and had to dump too many times. Really I hate it sometimes, I hate feeling that vulnerability that comes with really being into someone. That’s so not me. Im not mushy! Im not one to squeal over a guy, but holy shit, the cutest boy in the world, has taken me there. Im so fucked, and I know it.

Here is an example of my absolute insanity. I found his blog. A blog about his past year of being single. A blog explaining in detail is infatuations, his crushes, his meetings, the places they went, blah blah blah. Very well written, funny even. Well, I read a few pages and had to stop. It was so hard to read! It was so hard for me to get a grip and not compare us to all of these relationships. All of these dates so similar to all of our dates. The ones that moved too fast so they ended. I found similarities, which sort of, ok, REALLY, freaked me out. And contrary to what every bone in my body told me not to do, I told him. Yes, I told him, although I think my friends husband told him first. So, I sounded like total insecure asshole, but hey, Ive been worse. He didn’t sound thrilled. Sort of annoyed. Which, I can understand- Id be annoyed too, I guess. Its like someone getting upset with you about something so not relevant to what’s going on.
I don’t get it. I am the person who took my exes ex out for drinks. I am the person who set up my soon to be ex with who he is with right now, while we were still together! Im the person who invited three of my exes exes to his birthday party. What the FUCK is wrong with me?!? Then it struck me. It struck me when I was going to meet him for drinks yesterday in the villy- Im on the phone with Olivia, and the conversation goes like this

Me: Hey girl, what’s up??
Olivia: ugh.. nothing
Me: you working, Ill call you back
Olivia: NO, Im just really upset
Me: What’s going on???
Olivia: Im just PMSing and I have wanted to just cry all day long. I just... feel like shit.. .what’s up?
Me: Nothing, uh, you sound busy, call me back or Ill call you later gotta go, bye

Then it hit me. Olivia and I have your periods literally HOURS apart. Its really insane. So I thought for a minute- of all the times I really really really flipped out, and I mean FLIPPED OUT in ALL of my glory, and they were all around two weeks of my period. Ive quit jobs, Ive told co workers to fuck off, ate whole pints of Cherry Garcia Ice Cream chopped my hair off like a boy, things of that sort. Now Im not making excuses- I really do need to check myself not just in this situation, but in lots of situations where I fly off the handle. I know its what I do, and honestly in the past 5 years, I have calmed down quite a bit. So, I see him yesterday, and there he was, the Cutest Boy in the World. Looking at me for the first time after seeing the vulnerable, girly, emotional side of me. I felt so, so... exposed. SO naked. But I tried to make the best of it, had a drink and put it on the table and tried to make light of my ugliness. I told him I was sorry, then realized I was saying sorry for like the third time, way overkill. And that was it. So maybe I scared the shit out of him, and if I did, lesson learned...

Bad are a bad bad bad girl!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Who that is? Thats just my Babys Daddy...

If I ever ran in to Gs father, our converstaion would go something like this

me: oh my god, A, how are you (as I flick my hair)
A: Whats going on with my daughter
me: Shes fine, straight A student, funny, brilliant, artistic and goregous of course
A: Your really fucked up for moving and not telling me where you were going
me: Your a real piece of work, and really fucked up for not ever paying fucking CHILD SUPPORT, or bothering to see her unless I was single, you shit head
A: So, are you married yet?
me: NO!
A: What happened to that chinese kid?
me: He wasnt chinese he was filipino, and we were engaged but we broke up
A: Damn. Well, you look really good, turn around, wow, you look so different! Your a woman now. Can I call my daughter sometime?
me: Yes I know I must look better than I did when I was, say, 19, and it must feel pretty shitty to know that to this day, you are still the worst boyfriend I have ever had in my life, and Ive had some real winners, mind you. How does it feel to know Im out of your league now? And no, you cant have our number. You want to see G, take me to court and get yourself under a childsupport order and oh yeah, fuck WAY OFF.

Then I would walk away, with my bad ass.

My friend B called me last night to tell me that her daughters father called looking for her daughter. She is remarried to a man who has raised this child as his own. Her father would stand up his daughter all the time. It was really bad. SO I got to thinking about A, Gs father. Last I heard he was in FL, and while I was NO he contacted me. I had to make a decision to not contact him anymore. He was so inconsistant with G, I felt like I had to protect her. I feel like now, maybe I should contact his aunt and let them know where we are at least. I dont know, Im confused and hormonal and going through some other shit right now that may be impairing my judgment. The really mean part of me wants to wish that he has been fucking miserable all this time, while he has missed, Gs surgery, sicknesses, the flu. While he was buying cars, G and I were lay-a-waying her school clothes for a period of time. But I want to be fair and I dont want the blame for her fathers short comings to be pinned to me not putting in an effort. I dont know, Im just writing my thoughts, maybe Ill have a revelation about this tonight when Im in bed.

Just thought Id write SOMETHING because its been so long since I last wrote. :)

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