Houston, We Have A Problem

Knock knock.

Who's there?

I'm a pile up.

I'm a pile up who?

Aw, don't you think that you are being too hard on yourself?

My second week on Ortho Evera has given me a beaming light of knowledge through the hormonal darkness that is my brain this week.

Ive realized I have not done shit with my life. Im still a legal fucking secretary, working in a mindless job doing the most brainless, creative draining shit, and to boot, usually am doing all this work for the very institution I am so against. That is all I will say on the job front, for fear I will end up like that poor guy at Microsoft who got fired because of his blog.

Anyhow, this was not supposed to be the plan. It was not supposed to be June 20, 2005 with me sitting in front of a computer screen making changes to an assigning chart. I was not supposed to be meeting my current boyfriends family with Moe bangs and huge hives all over my body because I tried to even out a farmers tan I got over a year ago while meeting the people that were supposed to be my in-laws the year before. I was not supposed to be ending an engagement last year. I was not supposed to be the person who has finally realized that I probably will not get married and probably not ever have another child.

You know how it was supposed to go?!? I was supposed to be a news reporter! I was going to be the one who brought the wrong doings of corporate America, the board of education, and politicians to light. People would want to read my columns and relate to my columns people would fear my pen and the fury behind it. I was supposed to counsel pregnant girls and be an example of what they can do. Be a fucking role model! I was supposed to stand for something more than a fucking Jr. Associate Breakfast. I would be dubbed as much more than a “ditz”. AND I was supposed to be down right adorable while doing it all.

Instead my life has become what the color white is. A blending color. That is my life lately. The bright oranges and reds that I had have been muted and blended into something more acceptable. Something more safe. My 20s have been a coat of white paint over the colorful dreams that I had for so many years. Im not saying I haven’t accomplished anything, I mean shit, Ive been a mom all of this time, and my daughter has been so amazing. I thank god for her and for that every single day. But as far as myself, I have become the norm. Nothing disastrous, but nothing spectacular either.

I realized my last relationship was a creativity vacuum for me as well. Funny how people can effect you like that. I spent so much time proving that I was “smart” despite being told I wasn’t educated enough, that I never nurtured my writing or my art anymore. I just sort of threw it away. Stupid, really, because when it all came crashing down I realize that the only reason he tried to make me so insecure is because he was intimidated by me. Silly little me. Ha! Imagine that! What a wimp. The irony of it all.

Anyway, my pitty party is done now, and I need to move on to more productive things. Like finishing this Jr. Associate Assigning chart.

Whats the Story Morning Glory

Michael Franti (from my mp3 player):"you need to heed the words of Dalai Lama!
Or at least the words of your mama.."

Me: hello?!? EXCUSE ME, watch your fucking umbrella!! (pushing it off of my head). Thought to self : why the fuck do people open their umbrellas when there are like two drops of rain coming down?!?

Suddenly the rain begins to POUR DOWN and everyone is running. I find this ridiculously funny because I look at everyone's faces and it seems like everyone is laughing or giggling at one another. I start laughing too- its contagious. I stand there for a minute getting drenched (I love rain in the summertime) then decide, I better open my umbrella too or Ill look like a big frizz head at work today and I have a white top on and not the sexiest bra in the world. When New York isn't busy kicking my ass, I love her.

My coffee lady has betrayed me. Its been 95 degrees out and she doesn't serve iced coffee. WTF? I really want to be loyal. I do. My heart sincerely is in the right place. But I need my iced coffee when the weather hits above 80. I know Ive seen her daughters graduation pics, and I know that Im a regular and its shitty and horrible for me cheat on her, but the guy down the block serves iced coffee for 1.25 and its mmmmm mmmmmm good every single day. Im thinking of leaving an anonymous cold drip coffee maker for my coffee lady. Any opinions on this?

This weekend is the Puerto Rican Day parade in NYC and The Big Apple Block Party. Im torn. Under normal circumstances I would avoid the city like the plague during the parade. Sorry all my Puerto Rican friends, I love yall, and I will dance my ass off to some Gran Combo or Hector Lavoe, but cant do the parade. But the Block Party has the potential to be SOOO much fun!! I mean BBQ and bluegrass. What more could you want??

PMS= Putting up with Manhattans Shit

Michael Franti. My future husband.

SO this weekend was quite productive. First of all, its totally fucking georgous outside, and Im soo tired of hearing my fellow pasty (yes myself included), warm weather deprived New Yorkers complaining about it! Its summertime, guys! If you dont just get a huge smile across your face when you look out that window in the morning and realize you dont have to schlep a jacket, something is seriously wrong with you!

This weekend, I ate pad thai at my new favorite pad thai spot in Brooklyn that CBITW took me too (omg, yum yum yum, I cant even talk about it or Ill gain 30lbs!), Gabby spent the night at her Godmommys house, so I had to drop her off in Jersey, then find my way back to Brooklyn, which means, (insert doom music here) I had to DRIVE THROUGH THE CITY. Im a chicken shit. Its a fear I have had for soo long. Well, unfortunately, I had no choice on Friday night, after I battled 1 hour of traffic going into the Lincoln tunnel. But I did it. And with SUCH GRACE. I fuckin rule. So, just as I was feeling fab, Saturday, we decide we are going to SOHO. Now mind you, I still look like a cross between Tonya Harding and MOE because of the bangs, so Im a bit self conscious especially being around the cookie cutter vil types. So, we are shopping and Im wearing the same thing I wore the night before. Nothing special. Tank top and jeans. And yes, I do have a farmers tan that I have had since last year, that I haven't been able to get rid of. BUT ANYWAY. .. we get to some little exclusive mens shop, for CBITW, and yes is IS THE CUTEST BOY IN THE WORLD. He goes in, I decide to stay outside for a moment. I go in, and the two gay store clerks are fawning over his jacket, which admittingly is fabulous. Well, to make a long story short, I came in and interrupted the flirtation and one gay boy got a bit "hiss hiss claw" with me and called me trash. Sort of passive aggressively. In the kind of way that you cant tell 100% if they are talking to you. (I hope you read this you nasty greasy faced bad hair cut pier Queen! You caught me off guard at that moment, but Im ready for your bad accent having ass!!) and I was caught totally off guard and was left with no snappy comeback. Highly upset, I left the store and shopped around a bit, and went back to CBITWs house to take a nap. When I woke up, PMS was in full effect and I was crying... LOL. Ive been called so many things, but Trashy? TRASH?!? Are you fucking KIDDING ME?!? I was horrified. God Damn bangs. Or maybe CBITW told them before I came in that I eat fried Bologna sandwiches. I dont know. I just dont know.

So, anyhow, this happened the day before my period, and I was a fucking hormonal mess anyway. If you want to read further PMS incidences with me, just scroll below.. to ugh.. last month.

More later. Its raining, and I have to commute home..