Houston, We Have A Problem
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I'm a pile up.
I'm a pile up who?
Aw, don't you think that you are being too hard on yourself?
My second week on Ortho Evera has given me a beaming light of knowledge through the hormonal darkness that is my brain this week.
Ive realized I have not done shit with my life. Im still a legal fucking secretary, working in a mindless job doing the most brainless, creative draining shit, and to boot, usually am doing all this work for the very institution I am so against. That is all I will say on the job front, for fear I will end up like that poor guy at Microsoft who got fired because of his blog.
Anyhow, this was not supposed to be the plan. It was not supposed to be June 20, 2005 with me sitting in front of a computer screen making changes to an assigning chart. I was not supposed to be meeting my current boyfriends family with Moe bangs and huge hives all over my body because I tried to even out a farmers tan I got over a year ago while meeting the people that were supposed to be my in-laws the year before. I was not supposed to be ending an engagement last year. I was not supposed to be the person who has finally realized that I probably will not get married and probably not ever have another child.
You know how it was supposed to go?!? I was supposed to be a news reporter! I was going to be the one who brought the wrong doings of corporate America, the board of education, and politicians to light. People would want to read my columns and relate to my columns people would fear my pen and the fury behind it. I was supposed to counsel pregnant girls and be an example of what they can do. Be a fucking role model! I was supposed to stand for something more than a fucking Jr. Associate Breakfast. I would be dubbed as much more than a “ditz”. AND I was supposed to be down right adorable while doing it all.
Instead my life has become what the color white is. A blending color. That is my life lately. The bright oranges and reds that I had have been muted and blended into something more acceptable. Something more safe. My 20s have been a coat of white paint over the colorful dreams that I had for so many years. Im not saying I haven’t accomplished anything, I mean shit, Ive been a mom all of this time, and my daughter has been so amazing. I thank god for her and for that every single day. But as far as myself, I have become the norm. Nothing disastrous, but nothing spectacular either.
I realized my last relationship was a creativity vacuum for me as well. Funny how people can effect you like that. I spent so much time proving that I was “smart” despite being told I wasn’t educated enough, that I never nurtured my writing or my art anymore. I just sort of threw it away. Stupid, really, because when it all came crashing down I realize that the only reason he tried to make me so insecure is because he was intimidated by me. Silly little me. Ha! Imagine that! What a wimp. The irony of it all.
Anyway, my pitty party is done now, and I need to move on to more productive things. Like finishing this Jr. Associate Assigning chart.
Who's there?
I'm a pile up.
I'm a pile up who?
Aw, don't you think that you are being too hard on yourself?
My second week on Ortho Evera has given me a beaming light of knowledge through the hormonal darkness that is my brain this week.
Ive realized I have not done shit with my life. Im still a legal fucking secretary, working in a mindless job doing the most brainless, creative draining shit, and to boot, usually am doing all this work for the very institution I am so against. That is all I will say on the job front, for fear I will end up like that poor guy at Microsoft who got fired because of his blog.
Anyhow, this was not supposed to be the plan. It was not supposed to be June 20, 2005 with me sitting in front of a computer screen making changes to an assigning chart. I was not supposed to be meeting my current boyfriends family with Moe bangs and huge hives all over my body because I tried to even out a farmers tan I got over a year ago while meeting the people that were supposed to be my in-laws the year before. I was not supposed to be ending an engagement last year. I was not supposed to be the person who has finally realized that I probably will not get married and probably not ever have another child.
You know how it was supposed to go?!? I was supposed to be a news reporter! I was going to be the one who brought the wrong doings of corporate America, the board of education, and politicians to light. People would want to read my columns and relate to my columns people would fear my pen and the fury behind it. I was supposed to counsel pregnant girls and be an example of what they can do. Be a fucking role model! I was supposed to stand for something more than a fucking Jr. Associate Breakfast. I would be dubbed as much more than a “ditz”. AND I was supposed to be down right adorable while doing it all.
Instead my life has become what the color white is. A blending color. That is my life lately. The bright oranges and reds that I had have been muted and blended into something more acceptable. Something more safe. My 20s have been a coat of white paint over the colorful dreams that I had for so many years. Im not saying I haven’t accomplished anything, I mean shit, Ive been a mom all of this time, and my daughter has been so amazing. I thank god for her and for that every single day. But as far as myself, I have become the norm. Nothing disastrous, but nothing spectacular either.
I realized my last relationship was a creativity vacuum for me as well. Funny how people can effect you like that. I spent so much time proving that I was “smart” despite being told I wasn’t educated enough, that I never nurtured my writing or my art anymore. I just sort of threw it away. Stupid, really, because when it all came crashing down I realize that the only reason he tried to make me so insecure is because he was intimidated by me. Silly little me. Ha! Imagine that! What a wimp. The irony of it all.
Anyway, my pitty party is done now, and I need to move on to more productive things. Like finishing this Jr. Associate Assigning chart.
posted by Jessica @ 11:12 AM
3 Comments:
At 11:39 AM,
Mary said…
It's not too late to do those things. You ARE beautiful, creative, smart and extremely funny...all while raising an astonishing 8 year old! AND you are not one of those people born on third base who go around acting like THEY hit a triple!
Just remember: Your job is not who you are! It's just what you do to keep a roof over your head and food on the table.
You are much, much more than that!
Love,
Mom
At 1:17 AM,
Tom Beland said…
If I accomplished what you have, at your age, I'd be a friggin' millionaire AND a dad.
Look at what you've accomplished, rather than what you haven't done yet. Trust me on this... at your age, I was working for 7 bucks and hour and had, like, nine readers. Things didn't happen for me until I was about 37.
And you're a fucking babe... if one guy can't figure that out, how can you possibly have a problem? It's their problem, not yours.
Oh... and hi. :)
At 1:19 AM,
Tom Beland said…
Oh, and hi to Mary also. It's been light years!
You can email me at tom@yunque.net
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