Im so po I cant even afford the o and the r.

I haven’t been this poor since I was 19, only then, I used to share an apartment with my best friend. I guess its a good thing, you know, that its only temporary. The money that a certain company lent me to get my security for my apartment is being drafted out of three paychecks and holy cow, my paychecks are cut in half! On top of this, I also have to pay rent for next month its like a double whammy. I have to keep myself in check though. I do have a little spoiled brat little girl that lives inside of me that wants to stomp her feet and suck her teeth at how miserable this all is. But I have to remind myself that this was indeed a blessing, and I need to get with some appreciation for the big man (or woman) upstairs for looking out.

So the CBITW has been great, lots of dinners and yesterday he gave me a metro card (have I not reached the peak of pathetic ness??). But he has really been wonderful and without any judgment or smarmy ness. Im really sensitive to this stuff. Being really broke and not being able to figure out what Im going to do freaks me out. It just puts me in a place where I was when I was 19 years old, taking my first legal job, and taking care of a baby by myself and making 18,000 a year, and paying 100.00 a week in daycare. I dont know how I did it. Lots of Ramen noodles!! But it embarrasses me when I cant pull my end of a meal or I have to ask for train fare. I know its only temporary, but just like my mom, and probably her mom, we all have that one irrational fear. My mothers is being a bag lady in New York (Im not exaggerating- Im truly really serious) and mine is being viewed as a single mother charity case, which, oh god- I am right now! So, to keep myself from having a major panic attack and flipping out, I whipped out my good old pen and paper and wrote my gratuity list. So here it goes.

To God and the powers that be, and the creator and orchestrate of my Karma- these are the things I am grateful for:

1. Gabbys Health
2. the health of my friends and family
3. that I actually CAN have half of my check deducted and even if its by the very skin of my teeth, get by
4. my apartment away from psycho boy
5. my job
6. my family (who are just as batshit as I am)
7. my friends, because through the whole breakup and starting over, my friends have totally been my life support
8. For NY. The only thing stable in my life these days
9. My kitty Valentine. She loves me unconditionally- even when Im curled up in fetal position sobbing.
10. RJ- for teaching me how to make cheap meals
11. For the fact that I stayed strong and didnt follow my instinct to cut my hair like a boy like I did after my last traumatic breakup- it was cute but very GI Jane and took 5 years to grow out.
12. Gs brilliance. You know, my 7 year old can compare the works of Georgia Okeefe and Savatore Dali? THEN, she can turn and tell you the origins of exotic plants. Genious?? Yes she is. Not to mention she listens to Dusty Springfield, Gladys Knight, Dr. John and Wilson Picket . What 7 year old do you know has that much soul?? Hmmm?? Didnt think so!

Also, on a lighter note, I am heading out to New Orleans for Jazz Fest and CBITW and my friend M, and my friend O, and Ms aunt are coming. Guess who is going to be there?? YES! Michael Franti (Spearhead)! And guess who ISNT going to be there? G! My first vacay with no kids! Look out New Orleans!

Ill be one happy relaxing camper- broke, but happy.