Beginnings Middles and Ends
Gs father has an aunt who lives in Belleville, a town I used to live in, right next to my best friend’s apartment in Newark. It was my best friends childs b day and the kids were all having a sleepover. G and I were getting ready when she said “I wish I had my dad here”. And it broke me down. I had tried to call A’s aunt but the number was disconnected. She was always like my second aunt. Even after A and I split up, we remained so close. She is a strong woman with strong values and I so respect that. I totally look up to her. So Saturday after I dropped Gabby off, I popped up at As Aunts house (her name is Y). The whole time thinking Im either really ballsy or really crazy. Probably both. When I moved to New Orleans I lost touch with everyone, including her and Gs father. It has been now over 2 years since they last saw her. I rang the bell and her husband answered. He didn’t even recognize me! I couldnt believe it. Then her daughter came running down the steps (nearly a foot taller than I remember) and she came running down. She ran to me and hugged me. To make a long story short, we sat there for 2 hours talking. I told her I would bring G by to see them the next day. I knew that her dad would now have my phone number, and he did. I knew now there would be contact. I left feeling as though I did the right thing. I felt like I had reconnected with a member of MY family, and in a way she has been. She has really seen me through some rough times. I was feeling so content. I called TCBITW and told him that G was sleeping out and asked him if he wanted to come out and play. He never responded, he was out with friends. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the night. Ouch. We were supposed to meet up the next day to pick up my keys to my apartment. I knew he wouldnt flake so I figured I would see what was up the next day.
The next day, I meet him. He slept over at his friends house the night before because he had been drinking, so he was slightly hung over, but still made it to Jersey to drive me into Queens. I was still feeling very happy about G and having contact with her other side of her family again, so I wasnt letting it drag me down too much.
We went to eat at Fatty’s and from there went to Prospect Park my favorite park in the world) and were laying on a blanket on the grass. It was truly a perfect moment for me. Just peaceful and in the grass (I’m sort of a hippie like that). There we were- me and the CBITW. IM in total euphoria shen he says “I have a confession”. “oh Christ” I thought. I was sure that maybe he decided not to do this anymore. To be honest, the thought had crossed my mind this past week when I realized he didn’t want to see me. When there were opportunities for him to see me, and he didn’t take them. Talk about being rejected. So I sort of backed off and waited for him to just tell me what was going on. “I freaked out last week” he said. And for some reason, I felt sort of felt emotional. I didn’t WANT to go through all of this, I didnt ASK for psycho boy to be psycho. This thing wasn’t exactly my idea of a swinging good time, either! CBITW has been working a lot, and all of this happened so I didnt know if he lost interest. I mean it went from flowers and wanting to just ride with me home, to not wanting to see me at all, and even if it wasnt about me, how am I supposed to NOT feel rejected? So all week here I was feeling like I did something wrong. My brain was having a hissy fit. But as I have learned from years of having a big mouth, I just kept cool, and decided to give myself 24 hours to process this. I told him that I figured he had freaked out and asked him if he was ok now. He said he was, but who knows. So we ended back at his place where I was feeling very “I don’t want to be around anyone right now” and confused and wondering how to feel or what my next step should be. I looked at him laying there and had to hug him. I had missed him. Its hard when you are really into someone and you dont know if they feel the same. He offered to drive me to Jersey because I’m chicken shit and don’t drive through Manhattan. I was feeling kinda pissy and sort of wounded so I just drove myself home. Through Canal Street, through the tunnel. I needed to do that. I needed to just drive and be alone. He stayed on the phone with me as I drove through Manhattan, but I just needed to think about things. G was about to see her aunt on her dads side, and eventually would be speaking to her dad after 3 years.
G and I pull up at her aunts house and she is so excited. She put her own shoes on and got herself together when I told her where we were going. We rang the bell and she looked up and it was just amazing to her expression. Like pieces of her own puzzle were coming together for her. We stayed and talked she spoke with her grandparents on the phone. I got her fathers number and his grandmother said she would give him mine. It was late, around 9:00 and G and I had to go because she has school tomorrow. She hugged everyone goodbye, promised to keep in touch, and we loaded into the car, when my cell phone rang. It was her father.
“My first instinct is to curse you out, for leaving and not telling me where you were going” he says. Hes always been very blunt even if it made him look like a dickhead. Gotta respect that. “Look- I wouldnt reccomend it, youll be right back to square one”, I say. He laughs and we begin to catch up as Im driving on Route 1&9. Please remember this is a man that I have known since I was 14 years old. He knew me when I was a punk snot nosed teenager living in Brooklyn being wild. He has since had twin boys (surprise! (not)), this guy is like ODB with all these damn kids, but G is the only girl) he is with the mother,which is great. I told him how happy I was for him, and told him he could speak to G tomorrow, when I have a chance to talk to her first. Im happy for G because I know what it is to not have my dad and if she hates him, then thats her own decision, thats the verdict she will make. Thats not my job to make that decision for her. But her other side of her family totally embraces her, and I think for her development that is important. So I feel sort of complete. Like everything all in all, will be ok. Despite all of the shit and all of the ups and downs. My life has always been that way, short stories with unpredictable chapters, humble beginnings, crazy middles and happy endings- and for that, I am very grateful.
The next day, I meet him. He slept over at his friends house the night before because he had been drinking, so he was slightly hung over, but still made it to Jersey to drive me into Queens. I was still feeling very happy about G and having contact with her other side of her family again, so I wasnt letting it drag me down too much.
We went to eat at Fatty’s and from there went to Prospect Park my favorite park in the world) and were laying on a blanket on the grass. It was truly a perfect moment for me. Just peaceful and in the grass (I’m sort of a hippie like that). There we were- me and the CBITW. IM in total euphoria shen he says “I have a confession”. “oh Christ” I thought. I was sure that maybe he decided not to do this anymore. To be honest, the thought had crossed my mind this past week when I realized he didn’t want to see me. When there were opportunities for him to see me, and he didn’t take them. Talk about being rejected. So I sort of backed off and waited for him to just tell me what was going on. “I freaked out last week” he said. And for some reason, I felt sort of felt emotional. I didn’t WANT to go through all of this, I didnt ASK for psycho boy to be psycho. This thing wasn’t exactly my idea of a swinging good time, either! CBITW has been working a lot, and all of this happened so I didnt know if he lost interest. I mean it went from flowers and wanting to just ride with me home, to not wanting to see me at all, and even if it wasnt about me, how am I supposed to NOT feel rejected? So all week here I was feeling like I did something wrong. My brain was having a hissy fit. But as I have learned from years of having a big mouth, I just kept cool, and decided to give myself 24 hours to process this. I told him that I figured he had freaked out and asked him if he was ok now. He said he was, but who knows. So we ended back at his place where I was feeling very “I don’t want to be around anyone right now” and confused and wondering how to feel or what my next step should be. I looked at him laying there and had to hug him. I had missed him. Its hard when you are really into someone and you dont know if they feel the same. He offered to drive me to Jersey because I’m chicken shit and don’t drive through Manhattan. I was feeling kinda pissy and sort of wounded so I just drove myself home. Through Canal Street, through the tunnel. I needed to do that. I needed to just drive and be alone. He stayed on the phone with me as I drove through Manhattan, but I just needed to think about things. G was about to see her aunt on her dads side, and eventually would be speaking to her dad after 3 years.
G and I pull up at her aunts house and she is so excited. She put her own shoes on and got herself together when I told her where we were going. We rang the bell and she looked up and it was just amazing to her expression. Like pieces of her own puzzle were coming together for her. We stayed and talked she spoke with her grandparents on the phone. I got her fathers number and his grandmother said she would give him mine. It was late, around 9:00 and G and I had to go because she has school tomorrow. She hugged everyone goodbye, promised to keep in touch, and we loaded into the car, when my cell phone rang. It was her father.
“My first instinct is to curse you out, for leaving and not telling me where you were going” he says. Hes always been very blunt even if it made him look like a dickhead. Gotta respect that. “Look- I wouldnt reccomend it, youll be right back to square one”, I say. He laughs and we begin to catch up as Im driving on Route 1&9. Please remember this is a man that I have known since I was 14 years old. He knew me when I was a punk snot nosed teenager living in Brooklyn being wild. He has since had twin boys (surprise! (not)), this guy is like ODB with all these damn kids, but G is the only girl) he is with the mother,which is great. I told him how happy I was for him, and told him he could speak to G tomorrow, when I have a chance to talk to her first. Im happy for G because I know what it is to not have my dad and if she hates him, then thats her own decision, thats the verdict she will make. Thats not my job to make that decision for her. But her other side of her family totally embraces her, and I think for her development that is important. So I feel sort of complete. Like everything all in all, will be ok. Despite all of the shit and all of the ups and downs. My life has always been that way, short stories with unpredictable chapters, humble beginnings, crazy middles and happy endings- and for that, I am very grateful.
posted by Jessica @ 12:16 PM
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