Thinking

Ive been thinking. And when that happens, sometimes very bad things happen. Bad haircuts, bad clothing splurges. Lots of red hair dye. But every once in a while something good happens. Something life changing. Hoping that this is the latter, I have decided after a whole weekend of pondering that I need to leave D . I feel suffocated. I feel like Im in a bubble of him and meness and I feel like he can never understand me. The tumor rumor has not yet been confronted and I have to wonder if its because Im chicken shit that I wont confront it, because I know that will be enough to make me really pick up and go, or if Im scared of accusing him of not being ill when he infact was. D knows this. I know he feels it- I know he knows how close I am to being out the door. I hang in there for G . I don't want her to lose the only man who has really been there for her. Iknow that if we do infact break up, that I can not under any circumstances bring any man around G . I need someone that can accept me for me. Someone who can actually appreciate me and what I have done. Someone who is real. Just real. Someone who isnt afraid of who they are. Someone with so much self confidence that even their flaws are hot. Someone secure and funny and not full of judgments. I saw the other day an email from a random person about why they are "democrat" and one of the reasons was "because Im not full of judgment like the republicans are". I wouldn't classify myself as a democrat, but that statement really stood out to me. All weekend I kept hearing D make generalizations about everyone. I kept count of how many times he said "everyone is doing _____". I remember the time he met his frat boys from Temple in PA and they told him to watch out for me because I "was a single mother" and probably looking for someone to "take care of me". He shouldn't have even told me that, because for the rest of our relationship, I never wanted to meet his friends. It must have killed him when I started making more money than he does. I think looking back that he was insecure, he always felt that I was out of his league and would ask why I was with him (what kind of psycho question is that anyway?). I think he felt he had to try to try to keep my self esteem down so that I would stay with him. But unfortunately what he thought would bring me down, didn't. His world is about money, and status and good jobs and houses and cars. My world is about making your place in this world while your alive. Being happy, doing what you love, going to sleep at night content with who you are. Being a true person. Everything else falls into place after that.

Its important to be comfortable, but I want something deeper. I want someone who isn't afraid to do what they love, to be who they love. To say "fuck what people think, this is ME". He always trys to do what the "majority" of people are doing. And that made him an easy target for me to torture sometimes, because I would make total scenes just to embarrass him. The other totally unrelated thing that popped into my mind was the time he ran off and ditched me at the beach after we had been busted making (heavily) by the water at night. He actually ran when he found out people were looking at us! I couldn't believe it! He truly left me there! Hes so fucking self centered and gives way too much of a fuck about what people think of him. Such a sense of importance, which in some way is admirable, but truly, bro, in the grand scheme of the world, you really aren't that important. I should have known then that he would always be number one in his life. I can either accept that or move on. Im 27 years old. I don't want to waste my life. If it isn't meant for me to settle down with someone, so be it. But I at least want the freedom to do the "artsy" things I love to do without any judgement. I want to feel free read poetry outloud, not hear him talk about my gay friends, have friends that arent fucking conservative dip shits and not hear about D s better than thou judgment on them. It drives me fucking nuts. Then I fast forwarded to ten years from now. Will I still be in an apartment with D and full of resentment? Ill be 37 (almost 40) and wondering where my life went? NO. I wonder what I did to get myself to this point. Why am I in yet ANOTHER unhealthy relationship? Why am I following this pattern? I think I need to work on me for a while and figure out who I am before I look for anyone. I just know Im ready every single day to jump out of my skin. Every single day Im ready to say "I cant" and walk out of that door. But I hold on and hold on. When is it time to let go?