The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own

Friday, September 10, 2004

When all is Said and Done

It finally happened. The breakup finally happened. And it sucks. And Im sad. Im ready, and Im feeling strong, but I am sad. It sort of came out of no where. He came home after being away on business from Canada. I dont know what happened in Canada, but D came home ready to plan our wedding. I knew we were engaged, I wore the ring every day. Ive been loyal and faithful and true. He came home ready to sit down and go through the whos and the wheres and how in about two years he wanted to try to have a child. My palms got sweaty, and the lump began to build in my throat. As he sat there infront of me and professed his love to me. The moment that so many girls live for, the moment I thought I was living for was happening, and what did I do? I got sick. I really got sick. Like as in my stomach turned and I was going to throw up. I couldn’t do it anymore. My life was flashing before my eyes like I was on my death bed. DO I really want to get married? Do I really want to marry him? Do I really want to spend my life with someone who I dont even know if he lied to be about a tumor? Can my feelings really come back? I looked at him and saw the man I loved for 3 years. The first man I ever went away with, the first real GROWN up relationship I ever had. “I cant do this” I blurted out. “Jess, if you dont feel the same for me, let me know now, please let me know now”. “I cant do this”, I said again. And there we were for two minutes in silence, sitting on our bed, in our apartment. “Dont do this, Jess, I know Ive made some mistakes, and I know you dont feel the same, but we can make it work, we can go to therapy”, he stammered. “This is beyond therapy- you have lied to me, you have made me feel like I cant be who I really am- I cant do this anymore”. And that was it. After about an hour of crying and breaking the heart of someone I have loved for so long, it was over, and I was left feeling like shit. He packed up his stuff for the night, and went to his parents condo. I tried everything to comfort myself. Remembering things he said to me in anger, remembering the times he said things to me about being a mom, not finishing college. The times I worked so hard to be this different more conservative person. How for the past year, I have been screaming inside. And now it was out there. So I I changed the sheets of our bed and slept for the first time alone.

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