The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own

Monday, October 04, 2004

The Weight of the World

“30 lbs? You have to be fucking kidding me”, I said as I stood on the scale. I’ve gone from a size 6 to a size 12 in a matter of MONTHS, no, not a year, but months! I’ve doubled my size. I’m fat. And I’m pissed. How is it I lived in New fucking Orleans and ate EVERYTHING with gravy and didn’t gain anything? I come to NYC get engaged, and WHAM I’m a fatty. Just another sign that I definitely should not get married. Its not like I’m JUST realizing this. This was just my first time on the scale. The first time it came and socked me in the face was in a recent trip to Old Navy to buy jeans because amazingly all of my fav jeans had “shrunk” in the dryer. So I stood in the dressing room with some size 8 jeans and couldn’t get them over my thighs. I sent the 16 year old size 2 worker to get me some 10s then had to send her BACK to get 12s and they fit perfect. I ripped them off and stood in my underpants in front of the full length mirror and cried. Then I got a grip, got dressed, collected my dignity and headed towards the cashier. Its a hard reality for me. I was always that anorexic looking girl in school with the stringy hair and long legs. The one the guidance counselor calls to ask how many meals she is eating. That was me. “Slim” was my nickname.. Shit if they could only see me in my rotunda ness now.

On an entirely different note, things are calming down on the home front- sort of. My friend Olivia is coming from LA to come and stay with me (yippee!) for a while because she took a job here in NYC. This is my oldest girlfriend ever. The girl I smoked my first cig with, the girl I got drunk and made out with a certain unibrow boy with. The girl who made out with pillows with me when we were 8 and trying to figure out exactly HOW kissing was done. This the girlfriend in my life who holds my hand when I’m going through scary shit. Sort of my sense of stability when the boat is rocking. So, my life may not be so lonely for very long. I’m preparing my computer room for her.

G is doing ok, although she is having a hard time dealing with the breakup. How do you explain this to a 7 year old? I have decided that she will still have contact with D. We can keep this civil. He is the man who has raised her and A will always be a part of her life. I know I need to be careful, in the past, his plan of attack has been to sort of turn the kids against me. But G doesn’t have her dad, all she has ever had is D. Some rules need to be set, but we need to get her into a mode of seeing him outside of the apartment, which might I add is mighty clean and girly these days.

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