Thinking

Ive been thinking. And when that happens, sometimes very bad things happen. Bad haircuts, bad clothing splurges. Lots of red hair dye. But every once in a while something good happens. Something life changing. Hoping that this is the latter, I have decided after a whole weekend of pondering that I need to leave D . I feel suffocated. I feel like Im in a bubble of him and meness and I feel like he can never understand me. The tumor rumor has not yet been confronted and I have to wonder if its because Im chicken shit that I wont confront it, because I know that will be enough to make me really pick up and go, or if Im scared of accusing him of not being ill when he infact was. D knows this. I know he feels it- I know he knows how close I am to being out the door. I hang in there for G . I don't want her to lose the only man who has really been there for her. Iknow that if we do infact break up, that I can not under any circumstances bring any man around G . I need someone that can accept me for me. Someone who can actually appreciate me and what I have done. Someone who is real. Just real. Someone who isnt afraid of who they are. Someone with so much self confidence that even their flaws are hot. Someone secure and funny and not full of judgments. I saw the other day an email from a random person about why they are "democrat" and one of the reasons was "because Im not full of judgment like the republicans are". I wouldn't classify myself as a democrat, but that statement really stood out to me. All weekend I kept hearing D make generalizations about everyone. I kept count of how many times he said "everyone is doing _____". I remember the time he met his frat boys from Temple in PA and they told him to watch out for me because I "was a single mother" and probably looking for someone to "take care of me". He shouldn't have even told me that, because for the rest of our relationship, I never wanted to meet his friends. It must have killed him when I started making more money than he does. I think looking back that he was insecure, he always felt that I was out of his league and would ask why I was with him (what kind of psycho question is that anyway?). I think he felt he had to try to try to keep my self esteem down so that I would stay with him. But unfortunately what he thought would bring me down, didn't. His world is about money, and status and good jobs and houses and cars. My world is about making your place in this world while your alive. Being happy, doing what you love, going to sleep at night content with who you are. Being a true person. Everything else falls into place after that.

Its important to be comfortable, but I want something deeper. I want someone who isn't afraid to do what they love, to be who they love. To say "fuck what people think, this is ME". He always trys to do what the "majority" of people are doing. And that made him an easy target for me to torture sometimes, because I would make total scenes just to embarrass him. The other totally unrelated thing that popped into my mind was the time he ran off and ditched me at the beach after we had been busted making (heavily) by the water at night. He actually ran when he found out people were looking at us! I couldn't believe it! He truly left me there! Hes so fucking self centered and gives way too much of a fuck about what people think of him. Such a sense of importance, which in some way is admirable, but truly, bro, in the grand scheme of the world, you really aren't that important. I should have known then that he would always be number one in his life. I can either accept that or move on. Im 27 years old. I don't want to waste my life. If it isn't meant for me to settle down with someone, so be it. But I at least want the freedom to do the "artsy" things I love to do without any judgement. I want to feel free read poetry outloud, not hear him talk about my gay friends, have friends that arent fucking conservative dip shits and not hear about D s better than thou judgment on them. It drives me fucking nuts. Then I fast forwarded to ten years from now. Will I still be in an apartment with D and full of resentment? Ill be 37 (almost 40) and wondering where my life went? NO. I wonder what I did to get myself to this point. Why am I in yet ANOTHER unhealthy relationship? Why am I following this pattern? I think I need to work on me for a while and figure out who I am before I look for anyone. I just know Im ready every single day to jump out of my skin. Every single day Im ready to say "I cant" and walk out of that door. But I hold on and hold on. When is it time to let go?

The Tumor Rumor

Last year I left D and moved to New Orleans. I was tired of his shit and the emotional stress being with him put on me. I mean, shit, isnt it hard enough being a single working mother? To top it off you have a needy man who you always have to deal with ex girlfriends and who is just complete opposite of you?! Not even to mention a BUSH supporter! I had enough, and I left. And life was good in New Orleans. Then it happened. D told me a long time ago that once he had a tumor when C was pregnant with A. Well, he was getting these headaches and I told him he should go to the doctor. And he said everything was fine. So, when I move to New Orleans, D and I were still in touch. I missed him, I wont lie. I really did. He tells me he has the beginnings of a tumor and he has to go to the doctor. Now, this was all along with sad emails with pics of himself all unshaven and depressed. So, I get concerned and he says hes getting radiation therapy. Im in New Orleans, mind you, so being in love, I trust him. His parents were staying with him which also helped in my eyes to support this story. Until I came back and I realized how often his parents come to visit. They are here quite a bit. And I came back in Feb. and there have been no mentions of Doctors appointments, he takes no medication and his parents havent mentioned it. When he initially told me he got sick, he begged me not to tell anyone, because he didnt want people feeling sorry for him. I dont know, Im wondering now if it was a lie. I have no insight on the happeneings of a brain tumor or its treatment. All I know is that he hasnt seen a doctor, and Ive been here since Feb. And the red flag should have gone up when I moved here and realized that he was hacking into my email account and trying to hack into my friend Ms email account to find out if he and I had an affair. Which we didnt. So know, I dont know if the tumor is tumor, or a tumor rumor. So, Ive decided to confront his parents with it, but from the angle of “My friends mother is looking for a doctor to treat her neurological disorders. How did you find the doctor to treat D?” I swear with everything living in my soul, if I find out he was lieing Im so fucking gone his head will be spinning. If he is telling the truth, my bad. But anyone would be curious. He never talks about it. Its just strange.

Babys Mama Drama

This is part two to my original Blog on RT. I forgot my password on RT and was disgusted when I discovered the HELL I had to endure to get it. So #$@! them- this is my new home.
After four months of sitting for snot man and big man, their secretary came back. I knew it was coming, I knew one day I would have to go. I knew one day I would have to clear out my 4 pairs of shoes and 2 pairs of sneakers out from under her desk. I knew one day I would have to scoop up my change from her front left drawer and give her back her desk, but when the time came, I admit, I wasn’t ready. It was my birthday (the big 27) and I was schleping bags home full of my stuff from her desk. I was taking off that friday to go hang out with D in the city, but before we did that, we ended up dropping A off and I had to face A s mother- the cow bitch of bitches once again. Before you start accusing me of being that jealous girlfriend hear me out.

I met this woman, we will call C (apprpirate for more than one reason) a few months ago when Gabby and I went to A s first communion. I admit, Im not the best catholic in the world- I have lots of beef with the catholic church. But Gabby saved my ass- she went to catholic school so she knew all of the "and also with yous" like I was taking her every sunday. D's catholic family Im sure appreciated that. But that’s besides the point. So I go there, with D and his family and Gabby, and she is there. I walk in. And yes, I looked pretty sassy in my cute green dress and little shoes. Hair in a loose up do. Very "Im not trying to be hot but I cant help it- IAM" kinda look. Anyhow, she turns around and we are introduced. So, true to form, I say "HELLO! its so great to finally meet you!" and stick my hand out to say hi. She says "oh hi" very monotone and quickly turns around.. The whole time and even after the communion she ignored Gabby and I. She wouldn’t even turn around and look at us. Nothing. It was like we were not there. Even when it was time to go she didnt say goodbye, didnt say "Gee, thanks for coming, at its finally nice to meet the woman that drives 12 hours to come and get my son every other weekend!!". No, to her, I was the enemy and definitely not welcome to this event. So I let it go. I was a little miffed, but hey, I mean, if I weighed 200lbs and had fucked up hair and skin, and had to see me all cute with the 1.5 carat rock on her hand, I guess I would hate me too. :)

So, time goes on, and I don’t see her till my b day celbration day, when we are dropping A off at his grandparents so she can come and get him for the weekend. It is a Friday, and C probably has NO clue we have taken the day off. We drive to the condo and who is pulling up and we are pulling up? Yes.. C. We go inside and she is standing in the outside hallway and asks to come inside to use the bathroom. So she comes in and there I am standing in the tiny hallway, and there is Gabby sitting on the floor, trying to tie her shoe. She turned her head as to face the opposite direction and not look at me and almost passed me like I wasn’t there until I said "HI C!!" and once again got the monotone "oh hi". She almost ran into the other wall looking the other way like that. So that was my experience. And she’s lucky Gabby didn’t say anything to her, because Gabby says what goes through that little mind of hers as SOON as it does. It would not have been out of charactor for Gabby to ask her what her problem is. SO, when I get pissed about it I get told "well A loves his mother, and that’s all that matters". I beg to differ. Im tired of being nice. If she is rude to Gabby or me one more time, Im confronting her. I may call her even and say something along the lines of "don’t you think its better to handle things like grown ups for the sake of the kids?" I mean I see her son every other weekend for Christs’ sake!!
Life is too short. Im tired of being stressed over shit like this. I guess in theory, I could just not go with D when he drives all the way to Mass to get A (she wont meet us halfway). But I feel so bad for him when he goes there. Gabby and I drive all the way up there with him, because we love D and A . He goes inside and gets A and we sit and wait in the car. How lame is this? C has a boyfriend. The relationship ended 5 years ago! If Gabbys father had a girlfriend who loved Gabby as much as I do A , I would be so god dammed happy I would be taking the girl out for drinks. I just dont get the bitter bullshit. But Im growing weary. Not only that, but D needs to talk to her as well.

So any insight would be appreciated.