Good Shit v. Tough Shit
While I find it easiest to sit here and go on and on about DeLay (god, its so easy so scrumptious, so tempting!) there is a cornucopia (yes I said cornucopia) of good shit going on.
Last week I realized the impact of my loud mouth Brooklyn Pacific High Schoolness has had on my mother. Now, keep in mind my mom is 5'5 and so cute with glasses and a southern accent. But as is with most southern women, dont piss her off. We were walking down ditmars, to pick up G from school when wobbling towards us is a young Hispanic man well, maybe not hispanic, I dont know, lets be PC here. Lets just say LATIN AMERICAN (dude he was totally Puertorican, but whatever..), oh, say, 18, with his ipod on. "hey" he says to my mom. "Hey" she says back. He brushes against her bag while trying to pass. As we are gossiping about how hot Kenny Claibourne is, we hear "fuck you bitch!". So the dialogue continues like this.
Fat Latin American kid: Fuck you, bitch!
Me after whizzing around in .05 seconds flat: no, fuck you you fat fuck!
Fat Latin American Kid: No fuck you, bitch!
Mom (now get this, this is the funny part): YOUR MOTHERS A BITCH!
Fat Latin American Kid: Slut!
Mom (while turning to me): Did he call me a slut? Im flattered!! I haven't been called a slut in YEARS!
Me: Oh fuck off ass hole you wish!
Fat Latin American Kid: Who the fuck are you talking to?!?
Me and Mom (in chorus like unison and me with my arms up): Were talking to YOU! (me followed it up with fat fuck!)
Fat Latin American Kid: Slut!
Mom: (Laughing)good bye!!!!!
So we walk off. I hit the corner and lose it laughing. Did I get this right? Did my mom use the ultimate diss of all New York disses and say YOUR MOTHER?!? Now THAT, my friends is pure comedy at its finest and totally improved. NICE!
On the apartment front, remember when my apartment had no furniture? Well, friends and readers, my apartment now is DONE and it looks so fab. Psycho boy called me last week to inform me he purchased the car I wanted and in the color (must suck to try to emulate moi, ha?) and made sure to emphasize that I no longer have a car (1 psycho boy, 0 me..) but then again, I live in ASTORIA, and am lovin my neighborhood and have lost 30lbs, so HA! (1 psycho boy, 2 me). SOO in the midst of this, I was searching for a credenza. Wanted something very Eames era ish and was waiting and waiting to find the right one. After sifting through Craigslist, I see it. The perfect Credenza/buffet/sideboard table! OMG, I was shaking with pure orgasmic sheer joy that one can only find when you actually FIND the thing you have been fixated on for so long. So there it was for 100 bucks noless, and the woman, as it turns out lived 4 blocks down from me in Astoria. SCORE SCORE SCORE! Then, as if this wasnt fab enough, the woman was moving to London, and she is an attorney who works closely with the firm I work for. She was literally giving away all of her shit. So, to make a long story short, I ended up with 4 bookshelves, that just so happen didnt match her living room, but TOTALLY match mine, a hutch that was hand stained and then the inside was painted aqua, and a 1950s art deco white dresser with HUGE mirror (think Marilyn Monroe, not housing project) and two side end table that each have ginormous drawers on the side. So, at first I wasnt going to take the dressers, because, well, folks, I admit. Im bad with furniture choices. But mom convinced me to take it. So I go the bedroom stuff, the hutch, the book cases, all of her plants, and AND AND a wicked fling cabinet and a new computer monitor. Does god love me? Oh yes he does!!! Now the dilemma was to find a man with a van that wasn't going to A. not rip my very vulnerable looking white ass off off (looks can be deceiving), and B. not charge like 300.00. Well out of luck, I run across these guys on CL who were two men with a van, 60.00 per hour, and they were great. ANYONE needed recommendations, contact me. They called to confirm the night before AND were there the next day on time and moved all of my stuff (and those dressers were NO JOKE- I cant even move them away from the wall, don't ask how they got them up the steps). So, now everything is all placed in my new art deco/eames era styled apartment and its mucho fabuloso. Life is good for Jessica! All you haters stop PHDing me.
Oh I want to give a shout out to The Rock Health and Fitness who waived the registration fee for my mom so she could join, so sweet of yall. THEN called me to ask me how I was "enjoying my membership"- while I was on the toilet (I had to answer number came up private and it could have been urgent so stop eeeewing me-assholes). So as, I was well, cleaning up, I had to explain that, ugh...I haven't gone yet, but plan on it this weekend (FLUSSHHHHHHH). They even waived my registration fee! My goal? To be a cut up hot mama by next summer. Yes, my friends, you all will see me next summer and go "shit is that- Damn! It is! Thats JESSICA! WOW she is one hot MAMA!" just wait all you non-believers youll see. Just keep in mind that I was a size 12 last year and am now a size 6. Hate me now- go ahead.
More later, have to update the stupid assigning chart that tortures my life every week.
Last week I realized the impact of my loud mouth Brooklyn Pacific High Schoolness has had on my mother. Now, keep in mind my mom is 5'5 and so cute with glasses and a southern accent. But as is with most southern women, dont piss her off. We were walking down ditmars, to pick up G from school when wobbling towards us is a young Hispanic man well, maybe not hispanic, I dont know, lets be PC here. Lets just say LATIN AMERICAN (dude he was totally Puertorican, but whatever..), oh, say, 18, with his ipod on. "hey" he says to my mom. "Hey" she says back. He brushes against her bag while trying to pass. As we are gossiping about how hot Kenny Claibourne is, we hear "fuck you bitch!". So the dialogue continues like this.
Fat Latin American kid: Fuck you, bitch!
Me after whizzing around in .05 seconds flat: no, fuck you you fat fuck!
Fat Latin American Kid: No fuck you, bitch!
Mom (now get this, this is the funny part): YOUR MOTHERS A BITCH!
Fat Latin American Kid: Slut!
Mom (while turning to me): Did he call me a slut? Im flattered!! I haven't been called a slut in YEARS!
Me: Oh fuck off ass hole you wish!
Fat Latin American Kid: Who the fuck are you talking to?!?
Me and Mom (in chorus like unison and me with my arms up): Were talking to YOU! (me followed it up with fat fuck!)
Fat Latin American Kid: Slut!
Mom: (Laughing)good bye!!!!!
So we walk off. I hit the corner and lose it laughing. Did I get this right? Did my mom use the ultimate diss of all New York disses and say YOUR MOTHER?!? Now THAT, my friends is pure comedy at its finest and totally improved. NICE!
On the apartment front, remember when my apartment had no furniture? Well, friends and readers, my apartment now is DONE and it looks so fab. Psycho boy called me last week to inform me he purchased the car I wanted and in the color (must suck to try to emulate moi, ha?) and made sure to emphasize that I no longer have a car (1 psycho boy, 0 me..) but then again, I live in ASTORIA, and am lovin my neighborhood and have lost 30lbs, so HA! (1 psycho boy, 2 me). SOO in the midst of this, I was searching for a credenza. Wanted something very Eames era ish and was waiting and waiting to find the right one. After sifting through Craigslist, I see it. The perfect Credenza/buffet/sideboard table! OMG, I was shaking with pure orgasmic sheer joy that one can only find when you actually FIND the thing you have been fixated on for so long. So there it was for 100 bucks noless, and the woman, as it turns out lived 4 blocks down from me in Astoria. SCORE SCORE SCORE! Then, as if this wasnt fab enough, the woman was moving to London, and she is an attorney who works closely with the firm I work for. She was literally giving away all of her shit. So, to make a long story short, I ended up with 4 bookshelves, that just so happen didnt match her living room, but TOTALLY match mine, a hutch that was hand stained and then the inside was painted aqua, and a 1950s art deco white dresser with HUGE mirror (think Marilyn Monroe, not housing project) and two side end table that each have ginormous drawers on the side. So, at first I wasnt going to take the dressers, because, well, folks, I admit. Im bad with furniture choices. But mom convinced me to take it. So I go the bedroom stuff, the hutch, the book cases, all of her plants, and AND AND a wicked fling cabinet and a new computer monitor. Does god love me? Oh yes he does!!! Now the dilemma was to find a man with a van that wasn't going to A. not rip my very vulnerable looking white ass off off (looks can be deceiving), and B. not charge like 300.00. Well out of luck, I run across these guys on CL who were two men with a van, 60.00 per hour, and they were great. ANYONE needed recommendations, contact me. They called to confirm the night before AND were there the next day on time and moved all of my stuff (and those dressers were NO JOKE- I cant even move them away from the wall, don't ask how they got them up the steps). So, now everything is all placed in my new art deco/eames era styled apartment and its mucho fabuloso. Life is good for Jessica! All you haters stop PHDing me.
Oh I want to give a shout out to The Rock Health and Fitness who waived the registration fee for my mom so she could join, so sweet of yall. THEN called me to ask me how I was "enjoying my membership"- while I was on the toilet (I had to answer number came up private and it could have been urgent so stop eeeewing me-assholes). So as, I was well, cleaning up, I had to explain that, ugh...I haven't gone yet, but plan on it this weekend (FLUSSHHHHHHH). They even waived my registration fee! My goal? To be a cut up hot mama by next summer. Yes, my friends, you all will see me next summer and go "shit is that- Damn! It is! Thats JESSICA! WOW she is one hot MAMA!" just wait all you non-believers youll see. Just keep in mind that I was a size 12 last year and am now a size 6. Hate me now- go ahead.
More later, have to update the stupid assigning chart that tortures my life every week.
posted by Jessica @ 2:53 PM
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