What A Wonderful Thing Is The End Of A String

It is like I am 8 years old again. Standing on the edge of the high dive board at Crescenta Valley High School, looking down at the calm water- that feeling of excitement, anticipation and scared shitlessness all in one basketball sized mass in the pit of my stomach. I leap off- and for a moment I am flying-flying in my pink backless one piece bathing suit- my skinny arms and legs flailing in the air- no floaties-I land belly first, of course, into the thin sheet of glass and sink in to the deep cold silent water. Every inch of my skin is stinging, like REALLY stinging- yet Im pretty sure I am smiling under the water.. I try with all of my might to fight my way up to the top of the water so I can get some air. I jump up "Can I do it again"?!?.

This is my take on relationships. This is my take on dating, on love on anything. We are all creatures of habbit in some sense and even those who try to be spontaneous even find habit in trying to be spontaneous. We all stand at the edge of that high dive and look down and anticipate the fall, the dive, the land and the crash. We all know its going to hurt, but damn its going to hurt so good! You can either cry about it or sink underwater with a goofy toothless 8 year old smile on your face.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a large glass of battery acid before bed. Both glands on either side of my throat feel like fucking golf balls. But I had to follow the rule I so strictly enforce on G. No fever, no vomit? Your butt is going to school. So I pulled myself out of bed slowly, and ...shit why am I so tired? I slept over 9 hours! God dammit, yall, I have the flu. Only when I have the flu, I can never just be sick. No, no take some meds and go to bed for me. I have to make breakfast, sign book orders for G, make dinner, get her in the tub/shower, get her ready for bed. So this morning it just all came too much to bear and I had a very diva esque breakdown on 23 street. Some background- this morning, I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and sweat my fever out, but no. I took Tuesday off to take G to the doc (where I prolly caught this fucking virus). In the span of an hour, G lost her shoes, lost her scarf, needed her bookorder signed and ready to go by today, then proceeded to get stank with me and toss the book order at me (yes you know I wasn't having it and threatened her with death), I burned breakfast, then on my way downstairs I look at the recycling bin and realize its knocked over- and what was sitting there in the middle of my sidewalk? My Ortho fucking Evera (birth control patch) box with my name on it. NICE! So we take down the garbage and get halfway down the street and I see G has only one glove. " I dropped it" she says.. "where?" I ask.. "way down there" she says, pointing back towards the house. "why didn't you tell me?" I say.. "I dont know" she says back.. So we march back to the house and there it is on front steps. Mind you, we already 20 minutes late. So we get to the corner for the second time. And there I am in my big dark sunglasses and favorite coat (yes folks its soo cute).. and G says "MOM! I forgot my show and tell!" that was it. Snap time. I was like "jesus christ, G, when you are sick, dont I take care of you? Dont I? When I am sick does anyone take care of me? No! Does anyone make me soup and give me juice? No! Cant you just for this once give me a break? Please? I know its not your job but for the love of god, please, can you just give me a BREAK TODAY?".. "fine" she responds. And I continue to march down 23 street. The only person who can somewhat understand my suffering is my best friend, and these are the moments we need eachother most. I reach for my cell phone.. and dig and dig and then realize- I forgot it. I literally started crying. Sometimes the simple things are just too much. SO there I am in the cold with a fever, crying while bringing G to school. I get it together before we reach the building. We give eachother a quick hug and part ways.. This is why I have a therapy fund for her.. Ill be sure to contribute today.