The Only Bush I Trust Is My Own

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Stress



So, today I got up early, stood in line for approximately 2 hours in Astoria- I voted, then got my free starbucks coffee. Tonight I will retrieve my child from her grandfathers house, order some food with Nikki and just hole myself up in my apartment with a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine.

The. Stress. Is. Killing. Me.


Dear Red States:

If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving.
We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue
States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California,
Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota,Wisconsin, Michigan,Illinois and
all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the
nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New
California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red
states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian
Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-
war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose,
and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's
caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope
that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources
in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of
the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality
wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the
corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal,
all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and
SevenSister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with
88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of
the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and
the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say
that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with
higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

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