Though I do know that with the upcoming elections, I do have bigger fish to fry, I would like to enlighten everyone of the joys of working with the monster that I will just call for now “boss hog”. Let me preface this entry by first saying that I have been working as a legal secretary for about 9 years now. It is a job that has allowed me to pursue other things. My art, my writing, my sewing, etc. Working for attorneys is a crapshoot. You can either end up in a big old love fest, or end up wanting to kill each other. It’s sort of like an arranged marriage. You don’t really know what you’re getting into until you are there. I unfortunately as of 4 months ago, am in the latter situation.

I have a tendency to get along with the “assholes”. You know, the kind who make secretaries cry. Maybe this is a reflection of who I am. But I find that the cursers and screamers can usually handle the backlash of that and usually are very upfront about their likes and dislikes. The ones that annoy me are the passive-aggressive attorneys. The ones who will shoot off nasty emails to you then walk in and say hello to you like nothing happened. These are usually the same guys who you KNOW like to be spanked when you meet them in bars.

Boss hog is very important boss. So important are he and his wife, that I must refer to his wife as DR. Hog (since he has announced to anyone that will listen that he is a lawyer and his wife is a doctor). NEVER by her first name or heaven forbid MS.hog. So when she calls him throughout the course of the day (around 20 times I would say), I have been clearly instructed to refer to her as Dr. Hog. Sorta like Dr. John.. only I think Dr. John earned the right to demand to be called DR. don’t you? But I digress.

My mornings are usually opened up with an email accusing me of doing something that has already been done, or looking for a contact that doesn’t exist. Boss Hog prides himself on his savvy technology skills so everything must be sent via email. Only he usually plays around with his laptop so much that he messes up his Lotus Notes connection and then can’t connect. I have learned to return receipt everything from him because I KNOW the next day he will say he didn’t receive it.

I think the issue with Boss Hog and I is primarily a personality conflict. He is very non confrontational. I’m very in your face. I’m very “you got beef? Let’s handle it”. Which works for people that have a backbone, but those without usually can’t hang. So I think I’m at the end of 4 month stint with a bad boss, and it aint cute. In fact, it has become outright war. I will always remain professional, but to maintain my sanity, I have begun to write nasty emails in response to his nasty emails, only I have been advised by my supervisor that I cant send them (wtf) so I decided to share them with the world.

So here is the first. This one I was quite shocked that my supervisor told me not to send, I mean, I thought it was professional and well written, and I actually took a walk, then came back and wrote it so that I didn’t end up telling him to fuck off. The story behind this was I of course got an email to send him his bills in PDF format (after he submitted his time last minute in MS Word documents that were redlined). After sending these to him, an hour later I got ccd on an email to the billing supervisor saying “I can’t get The Only Bush I Trust Is MY Own to send me my time, can you do this ASAP”? So of course I was pissed. Because Boss Hog can never directly confront me because he knows I will tie his balls in a pretty little bow so he does passive aggressive shit like this. So I drafted this beauty

Hog,

I have just sent you a second email regarding the mailing of your bills.

I find it extremely inappropriate that you would send that email to ________ as though I am not doing my job and therefore humiliating me when the information you asked for was emailed to you quite some time ago. I have worked through lunch hours and pulled various strings to make sure your work gets done, even when it is thrown at me at the last minute. The bills you asked for were sent to you over an hour ago. Had you been reading the responses to the emails you have been firing off at me all morning, you would have found your bills there.

As with the Lotus Notes entry correction this morning and the Fed EX problem that turned out to be delivered (just like I said it was) this is just one more thing that you assumed was not done, when it really was. I feel as though you are looking for reasons to accuse me of not doing my job correctly. With all that I have done to make sure your work gets done under these circumstances, I find that extremely disappointing.
Now come on, folks.. was that soooo bad? I actually have to say I’m tempted to print it out and give it to my therapist to show that I CAN be a sane person. Because REALLY what I wanted to write was


Hog,

I have just sent you a second email regarding the mailing of your bills.

I find it extremely disturbing that you are such a passive aggressive prick that you would send an email to ________ as though I am not doing my job and therefore attempting to humiliate me when the information you asked for was emailed to you quite some time ago (also incase you haven’t notice, she was copied on the email so you should know you look like an asshole). I have worked through lunch hours and pulled various strings to make sure your work gets done, even when it is thrown at me at the last minute because you are a scatterbrain idiot. How the fuck did you finish lawschool? The bills you asked for were sent to you over an hour ago. Had you been reading the responses to email vomit (with corn) that you have been firing off at me all morning, you would have found your bills there.

As with the Lotus Notes entry correction this morning and the Fed EX problem that turned out to be delivered (just like I said it was) this is just one more thing that you assumed was not done, when it really was. If you feel you can find someone else to properly clean up your messes please feel free. With all that I have done to make sure your work gets done under these circumstances, you can kiss my ass. On main street. Dickwad.

Thank you, and fuck off.

Oh yeah, and when you left the office to get on the plain on Friday, your pants were split down the back. Cheers!